Radio Commercials I Can Do Without (Dec 27, 2008)

1. Record albums not fit for ages 25 and up. Just give me music that sounds like fun but is not aimed at teenagers.

2. Misleading free promos (including fake free, require direct deposit, require you be a new customer, etc.) Face it. Nothing kills the effectiveness of an ad faster than the fast talking legal crap at the end of some commercials that discloses what their idea of free really means. If you're giving away a free phone, then give it away, no strings attatched. If you're offering free months of cable for the asking when you sign up, you must give the same deal to your existing customers that also ask for it.

3. Anything requiring contracts. Enough said!

4. Wireless phones. Endless ads for competeting cell phones pollute the radio airwaves, and none of the deals offer something I can really use. Here's what will get me to buy one of those wireless phones: a) one phone number serves your land line and a wireless telephone, acts as if you got two phones hooked up to a single phone line; someone calls you, both phones ring, answer either one. b) low flat local rate for both with unlimited local calling. c) receiver of calls on wireless phone does not pay charges; the caller always does. d) no long distance charges for calling portable phone numbers with area codes that are thousands of miles of the zone they are supposed to be in. e) telemarketers always pays for the calls. f) portable phone numbers have a special USA area code; phone numbers with all other area codes are not portable. g) finally, no contracts.

5: Fast food burger ads. I don't care who criticizes me. I know damn well what I'm talking about. Hamburgers are last millenium food. No burger ad will get my butt into their restaraunts again. Instead, offer low-fat and fully packed veggie burgers priced 99 cents and raise the cost of the cheap burgers to $2.99. Price the chicken burgers for $1.49. All patties will be four ounces apiece. Dry fry the french fries; get rid of the damn artery-clogging oils. Offer drinks that contain no sugar AND no caffiene. Burger King? McDonalds? Wendys? Jack in the Box? All bad deals if all you're plugging is new ways to dress up a fatty burger. Even the salads are also full of fat with the dressings. Can't these stupid restaurants do anything right?

6. Car dealers. I buy a car every six years. Restrict car ads on the radio to Septembers only. Get rid of the tricky rebates and zero interest offers that confound even the calculus experts, and get those g--damn Mossy ads off the air!

7. Alcoholic ads. They do not belong on the radio.

8. Cable and DSL with low prices only for new customers. This is not fair to the rest of us.

9. High energy drinks. Who's the idiot that likes to waste $1.99 for a skimpy 12 ounce drink? Drink water and take a vitamin and save money!

10. PPV and Pay TV ads. When they start making VCRs and TV sets with integrated cable tuners that can decode pay signals (with cable authorization of course) without the need of a box, and they can receive all kinds of digital signals (including HDTV, DTV, SDTV, cable digital TV, etc.), then you'll have a customer right here.

11. Any TV show advertised for the netlets CW, Ion, and My Network TV.

12. Theme parks that are not in the same zone. Magic Mountain? Disneyland? Who has that much time to drive up to LA?

13. Ads featuring stupid sketches featuring bad actors that are supposed to be funny.

14. All ads that speak over six syllables a second. Who can understand speech that fast? Slow down!

15. Movie releases that are rated PG-13 and up. These are not suitable for kids.

Can't these radio stations get some commercials on with products that I can actually use?