How to Get Viewers to Watch The Soaps (Feb 9, 2007)

To get more viewers to watch their soaps, Disney should be offering $350,000, which is chicken feed to them, to one person who catches and reports the hearing of a character mentioning the F-word by any of the characters on the fictious daily stories.

During the sweeps, Disney will also hold another $350,000 for each of their ABC affilliates who carry their daytime soap lineup of "All My Children", "One Life to Live," and "General Hospital" to help each station pay any FCC fine incurred by one incensed viewer who chooses to complain to the FCC rather than to enter the contest.

Already, we're hearing words like "farty, "penis", and "screw you" on the once-mature sudsers, which has gone south in quality to the point where South Park is now considered high quality programming.

Here's how it would work. During a sweeps period, one of the characters from the three soaps will say the F-word, but we wouldn't know which one or when, so the viewers would have to watch them all to be sure to catch a historic planned blurting of the f-word on a scripted television show on a broadcast airwaves. Once the F-word has been blurted, viewers would send in a postcard with their name and address, as well as the name of the show, the character, and the sentence that contained the F-word that was said by the character, to the address named.

One lucky viewer will have their postcard drawn at random to win the $350,000.

What character could say the f-word? Erica Kane? Bo Buchanan? Luke Spencer? What about one of the babies whose first word could be the f-word?

Problem with that? Once the f-word has been blurted, the viewers who didn't normally watch them will leave and go back to cable TV, as well as loosing about 50 percent of the original viewers who were offended by the f-word. After that, the affilliates will decide to stop affilliating with ABC and Disney would be unable to get any new stations to carry ABC, as the ratings slid downwards on its O&O's. Soon, Disney would be forced to shut down ABC because that network has been tainted by the f-word, as well as selling off ABC Family to rival Clear Channel, who turns it into a no-talent morning show channel. Disney sells off the ABC O&O channels such as KABC and WABC to a Spanish-language broadcaster who launches a new Spanish-language network on the stations to compete with Univision, Telemundo, TeleFutura, and Aztec America. Former ABC affilliates such as KGTV will flip to a geek culture channel running reruns of sci-fi programming such as Star Trek and Mystery Science 3000.

Now that would be an improvement.

Anyway, time to turn on my VCR to watch today's General F--king Hospital.