Your Bad Songs on the Radio (May 2001)

Welcome to the world of santized pop radio, where every station plays music that has been oversanitized to the point of being annoying to the worst degree possible.

Instead of KIFM playing real jazz, we get smooth pop-R&B. Instead of KSON playing edgy country-western, we get adult-contemporaryized country. Instead of KGB playing adult rock and roll, we get the same old reruns that has lost meaning over time. Instead of Magic 92.5 playing deep funk black music, we get white-ized soul such as Hall and Oates and cross-over R&B bands. You get the idea.

Radio, as a medium, has lost its progressive edge in today's world ruled by researchers from New York compiling the hits with no hint whether they've ever heard the songs, sending them to the corporate suits, where in turn, they tell the radio programmers in San Diego what songs their stations should and should not be playing on their stations. The end result is a playlist on 933, KIOZ, and 91X that have songs that sound basically all the same with little or no noticable variation between songs. Where's the edge? They're dulled on a radio station near you, save for Sets 102 and the new Premium Radio 92.1

Have the music directors actually been listening to most of the crap that passes for music today? Why do listeners keep requesting the same junk over and over again, songs an educated person wouldn't be caught dead listening to.

The majority of songs on most all-time worst lists were huge, huge hits, and many were recorded by "respected" artists. Most anything Barbra Streisand sings, such as "Woman in Love," "Evergreen," and "People," are just so disgustingly awful (Stan from South Park says her singing sucks) that it literally makes me gag as I make a beeline to the radio to change the damn station playing a song from that awful leftist bitch!

More examples of bad music include Bette Midlerİs sappy "Wind Beneath My Wings." Michael Bolton's "How Am I Supposed To Live Without You?"

The seventies produced a bumper crop of bad songs such as the following: Roberta Flackİs "Killing Me Softly" and "Where is the Love?" "You Light Up My Life" by Debbie Boone. "Muskrat Love" by Captain & Tennille. "Youİre Having My Baby" by Paul Anka. "I Write the Songs" by Barry Manilow. "Tie a Yellow Ribbon" by Tony Orlando. "Donİt Give Up on Us, Baby" by David ("Hutch") Soul. "Me and You and a Dog Named Boo" by Lobo. John Travolta and Olivia Newton Johnİs "Grease" terror "Summer Nights". "Feelings" ("woh-woh-woh feeeelings!") by Morris Albert.

Other artists include Barry Manilow, Yoko Ono, John Denver, Neil Diamond, Bobby Goldsboro, who recorded these hokey hits, the weepy death ballad "Honey" (which rhymes "what the heck" with "hugged my neck"), and the even more maudlin "Watching Scotty Grow."

Just try to listen to Z-90, 91X, Rock 105.3, and 933 for 10 minutes between 1pm and 5pm without changing the dial. I have never been able to do that. Why? They keep playing so many awful rap, soft, and punk tunes aimed primarily at people less than 1/3 of my age!

So, Cheap Channel tells us to listen to the oldies since they think we're just too closed-minded about the newer songs. Bull@#%%, CC! It's the quality of the songs you stupid corporate clowns! Everytime I tune in a Clear Channel station, I am reminded of the phrase of the late Clara Peller..."Where's the beef?!?"

Fortunately, I found quality new music. Some of the rock songs on 102.1 and 92.1 are not heard on any of the Cheap Channel stations down here. The 98.9 "Rewire" mixes I heard at 11:30am, 1pm, and 4pm kicked ass with their techno dance mix blocks. Then, of course, I have an MP3-CD player where I can just pop in CD's full of MP3's and listen to quality music such as Four Postmen and other novelty acts I taped from Dr. Demento.

Want to escape bad radio with me? Look in the latest Crutchfield catalog for some good CD-players that can play MP3 music (actual MP3 files) on CD-R's! Just pop in a CD-R and fuggedabbut Clear Channel and the other stations whose idea of programming music is composed entirely of watered-down sameness and annoyances that are just not worth the time of your life.

So, buy a MP3 player for your car today. Life is short. You're going to be dead someday, and what will you do in heaven with what little about music you have learned from the Clear Channel radio stations?

Bad Song Lists

Bruce Fessier: 1. "Break Stuff," Limp Bizkit. Like we need a song to motivate kids to do this. How about a follow-up -- "Break Stuff, Pay for Stuff."
2. "Scream," Michael and Janet Jackson. The song makes me want to break stuff.
3. "Dust in the Wind," Kansas. Personally, I think my life is just a little more important than this.
4. "Having My Baby," Paul Anka. This is your way of saying how much you love me? Couldn't a zircon suffice?
5. "When You're Smiling," Mark Fisher, Joe Goodwin and Larry Shay. The Tin Pan Alley song that inspires the phrase "make it real." Break into a grin and the world will smile with you? As if.
6. "Ballad of the Green Beret," Sgt. Barry Sadler. The song that glorified our "special forces" in Vietnam. Perhaps the theme song for Bob Kerrey.
7. "Wives and Lovers," Burt Bacharach and Hal David. So out of touch, Jack Jones rewrote the words for his stage show. And his original recording won a Grammy.
8. "Taxi Blues," Leonard Feather. Little Richard's first hit before there was rock 'n' roll. It's about a guy who goes and beats up his girlfriend. No wonder Feather became a jazz critic.
9. "Feelings," Morris Albert. The song that marginalizes the entire field of psychoanalysis. No, I take that back. This song is genius.
9. "Weld, Disc 3," Neil Young. Not only is this grinding, endless piece of industrial noise pollution annoying, it's derivative of Lou Reed's "Metal Music."
10. Anything from 1976, when the year's top songs included "Convoy," by C.W. McCall, "I Write the Songs" (recorded but not written by Barry Manilow), "Theme From S.W.A.T." by Rhythm Heritage and Rick Dees' immortal piece of crap, "Disco Duck."

Adam Graham:

When it comes to calling a bad song a bad song, sure, it's easy to pick on songs that are no longer around to defend themselves. And picking on Vanilla Ice? How ham-handed is that? Here's a list of contemporary songs that have been From the bad to the really bad
5. "Black Jesus," Everlast. Ever since Everlast former frontman for the Irish hip-hop outfit House of Pain strapped on a guitar and reincarnated himself as a blues slangin' friend of the workin' man, he's had everyone wondering, "um, whatever happened to jumpin' around?" Unlistenable.
4. "Liquid Dreams," O-Town. I like O-Town just as much as the next guy, but the incessant name-dropping on this stale single -- where the boy-boppers croon about their dream girl (get this: she's a mix of Destiny's Child, Angelina Jolie, Madonna, Cindy Crawford and Janet Jackson!) -- personifies everything that's wrong with teen pop today.
3. "Pinch Me," Barenaked Ladies. Dorky Canadian hip-hop pop should have ended with the fluke hit "One Week." It didn't.
2. "With Arms Wide Open," Creed. This big, loud, dud of an ode to fatherhood is so overstuffed with oozing cheese that you want to wrap it in bread crumbs and dip it in ranch dressing.
1. "Smooth," Santana and Rob Thomas. Hey Carlos, reality called. It left a message. Rob Thomas isn't cool.

TheRob:

Among the major offenders... Abba-"Waterloo"
Bryan Adams-"Straight From the Heart" (straight from the boardroom)
Aerosmith-"Blindman"
Paul Anka-"Having My Baby" and "Teen Commandments"
Rick Astley-"Together Forever"
BTO-"Takin' Care of Business"
Bad Company-"Feel Like Makin' Love"
Chuck Berry-"My Ding-A-Ling"
Michael Bolton-"When I'm Back On My Feet Again" (really, anything by him)
Captain and Tenille-"Muskrat Love"
Bob Carlisle-"Butterly Kisses"
Chicago-"Saturday in the Park"
Paul Cole-"I Don't Want to Wait"
Creed-"With Arms Wide Open" (kind of like a Michael Bolton song)
Billy Ray Cyrus-"Achy-Breaky Heart"
Days of the New-"Touch, Peel and Stand"
Disco Tex and his Sex-O-Lettes-"Get Dancin'"
Bo Donaldson-"Billy, Don't Be A Hero"
Eagles-"Desperado"
Europe-"Carrie"
Foreigner-"Hot Blooded" (worst lyrics ever?)
David Geddes-"Run, Joey, Run" (no justice like shotgun justice)
Green Day-"Basketcase" (recommended by 4 out of 5 eight-graders)
Head East-"Never Been Any Reason"
Herman and the Hermits-"Mrs. Brown, You've Got A Lovely Daughter"
Hootie and the Blowfish-"Only Wanna Be With You"
Billy Joel-"We Didn't Start the Fire" (ripoff of similar REM song)
Don Johnson-"Heartbeat"
Journey-"Open Arms" (heave mightily)
R. Kelly-"I Believe I Can Fly"
Limpbizkit-"Break Stuff" (really, anything by them)
Loverboy-"Gangs in the Streets" (serious message from guy in red leather pants)
Lynyrd Skynyrd-"Tuesday's Gone" (freebird part 2)
Manfred Mann-"Blinded by the Light"
Barry Manilow-"Mandy"
Matchbox 20-"Push"
CW McCall-"Convoy" (truck-stop tango)
John Mellencamp-"Cherry Bomb"
Metallica-"Hero of the Day"
Steve Miller-"Space Cowboy"
NKOTB-"Hangin' Tough"
Olivia Newton-John-"I Honestly Love You"
Billy Ocean-"Get Out of My Dreams, Get Into My Car" (once again, anything goes from this guy)
Tony Orlando-"Knock Three Times" and "Tie A Yellow Ribbon" (satan incarnate!)
Patti Page-"How Much is That Doggie in the Window"
Gary Puckett-"Young Girl"
RHCP-"Suck My Kiss" and "Party On Your Pussy"
Helen Reddy-"I Am Woman"
REO Speedwagon-"Can't Fight This Feeling"
Rolling Stones-"Start Me Up" (heard at NFL kickoffs everywhere)
Bob Seger-"Like A Rock"
Will Smith-"Miami"
Starland Vocal Band-"Afternoon Delight"
Starship-"We Built This City" (this song and video are poison! Poison, I tell you!)
Styx-"Lady" (supersize the barf bag) and "Mr. Roboto"
.38 Special-"Rockin' Into the Night"
Van Halen-"Not Enough" (Michael Bolton-esque)
Suzanne Vega and DNA-"Tom's Diner" (she talks because she can't sing)
Billy Vera-"At This Moment"
Village People-"YMCA" (I wish people would resist the evil urge to dance...)
Warrant-"Cherry Pie"

Jared:

2. Macy Gray "I Try" (Sorry, I had to bring this song up, it's still one of the worst of all time)
1. "Lady Marmalade" (Can one song get any worse. The beat is awful and the singing (especially by Christina Aguilera) is the worst singing that I think I've ever heard. And don't even get me started on the video.

Eric Stein:

I agree with you on "I Try" the "Lady Marmalade" remake. Just awful. Here's some others that I found just as bad.
Nelly: "Ride Wit' Me": Can you say sell-out? (okay, he actually sold out early on with his first single "Country Grammar," but this enters M.C. Hammer territory). O-Town: "Liquid Dreams": The REAL reason why "Making the Band" is on hiatus.
Britney Spears: "Oops, I Did It Again": She did WHAT again?
Here are some classics worth mentioning:
Crash Test Dummies: "Mmm Mmm Mmm Mmm": A terrible song, or a guilty pleasure?
Spin Doctors: "Cleopatra's Cat": The first single from their "Turn It Upside Down" album, and the reason the album flopped.
Olivia Newton-John/Cliff Richard: "Suddenly": It's worth mentioning that this was from the "Xanadu" soundtrack in which its title track also qualifies for awful songs.
Bonnie Tyler: "Total Eclipse of the Heart": Turn around bright eyes!
Blind Melon: "No Rain": Another guilty pleasure? Maybe.
There are more that come to mind, but too many to mention.

Marc B:

The song Lady Marmalade was remade just for the purpose of that new movie Moulin Rouge. Christian Aquilera, Pink, and Mya worked together with Lebelle who sang the original version to remake the song.

Mike:

In no order...
Modades - Eres Tu
Bette Midler - The Rose
Buckner and Garcia - Pac Man Fever
Bertie Higgins - Key Largo
Joe Cocker & Jennifer Warrens - Love Lift us up
Cat Stevens-Peace Train
Barry Mannilow - Mandy
Donna Summer - Love to Love you baby
Elton John - Benny and the Jets
Knight Ranger? - Sister Christian
Tiffany - Could've Been
Billy Vera and the Beaters - At this moment
Tim McGraw - My Next Thrity Years
Lee Ann Rimes - Blue
You Light up my life - Debby Boone, or Lee Ann Rimes - You Pick
THe Trashmen - Surfin' Bird
Stories - Brother Louie
Til Tuesday - Voices Carry
Peaches & Herb - Reunited
Styx - Mister Roboto
Jump, Jive, & Wail - Brian Setzer
Shania Twain - Honey Im Home
Abba - Fernando
The Carpenters - Calling Occupants of Interplanetary Craft
Los Del Rio - The Macarena (Bayside Boys Mix). I Like it witout the valley girl...
Billy Ray Cyrus - Achy Breaky Heart
Falco - Rock Me Amedeus
Rupert Holmes - The Pina Colada Song
Eminem - Hi...My Name Is
Ludacris - Use A Ho
Nelly - I forget what its called but it goes "Andale Andale Mama..."
That one goes on, my radio changes instantly...
Tori Amos - Spark

That's my short list I could probably think of five hundred more, but these send me racing for the dial every time

Kent:

"Don't Take the Girl" Tim McGraw
"Just a Friend" Biz Markie
"Honey" (the original was by Tom T. Hall and is just as bad as the one in the article)
"Brand New Key" Melanie
"I've Never Been to Me" I think by Charlene
"I Know" Dionne Ferris
"Rush Rush" Paula Abdul
"Couldn't Last a Moment" Collin Raye
"Achy Breaky Heart" Billy Ray Cyrus
"Afternoon Delight" (I should know this one, but I don't) I want to say Starlight Blues Band, but that just doesn't sound quite right.
"Written in the Stars" Elton John and Leeann Rimes
"Waterfalls" T.L.C.
"Last Kiss" (either version is equally terrible)
"Survivor" Destiny's Child
"I'd Rather Leave When I'm in Love" Rita Coolidge
"Lucy in the Sky With Diamonds" and "Yellow Submarine" The Beatles
Anything post 1990 by Janet Jackson.

Cowboy:

"Country grammar" Nelly
"Why Does It Hurt So Bad" Whitney Houston
"Use Me" Ron Kenoly

Keith Elster

You hit the nail right on the head for most of those. Here's a few more from the early & mid-'70s:
Hurricane Smith "Oh Babe, What Would You Say" - Probably THE worst song ever to hit the pop charts, by a guy who wasn't a professional singer (no kidding - he sounded like a cat being tortured) - he was George Martin's assistant on the Beatles' records, I believe.
Gilbert O'Sullivan "Alone Again, Naturally - The national anthem for wimps and losers everywhere. Sings about his allergies.
Dave & Ansil Collins "Double Barrel" - "Work! Work! Work! Work!" repeated almost continuously for 3 minutes.
Anything from: Boy George, Bobby Sherman, Bobby Goldsboro, Michael Bolton, Tony Orlando, Melanie, George Michael, Bay City Rollers, Abba, Cher (as a solo act), Partridge Family, Village People, Hootie & the Blowfish, MC Hammer, Neil Sedaka, Journey, all Heavy-metal-big hair bands since 1980, all Disco acts, almost everything from 1976.
Now, that I've vented my spleen, I think I'll go listen to my "Balloon Farm's Greatest Hits" LP. :-)

Don McCullen:

Now here a song that makes me cringe
Lost In Your Eyes/Debbie Gibbson and most her songs.
Almost every song by NKOTB. Only songs that really like from them is Hanging Tough, and I can put up with Cover Girl.
Obsession/Animocation
Most Celine Dion hits. Especially Power Of Love, Because You Loved Me, and My Heart Will Go On. Songs I like from Dion is Half Way To Heaven, and That's The Way It Is is tolorable to my ears.
Most big songs from Disney Cartoon movies from the 90's.
Beauty And The Beast, A Whole New World, Colors Of The Wind, Can You Feel The Love Tonight
Those One are the ones they drive me nuts.

Eric Stein:

Hanson: "MMMBop!": MMMBad!
Blackstreet/Mya/Ma$e/Blinky Blink: "Take Me There": This sounds like background music from a Super Mario Brothers game!
Cleopatra: "Cleopatra's Theme": Self-promoting garbage from Madonna's failed girl group.
Juice Newton: "Queen of Hearts": The Joker is the only fool that will listen to this. By the way, nice name.
Stone Temple Pilots: "Interstate Love Song": Good group, poor performance.
Mr. Big: "To Be With You": Early 90's hair power pop ballad that falls flat.
Fat Boys: "Twist" (featuring Chubby Checker) and "Wipeout!" (featuring Beach Boys). Enough said.
Bobby McFerrin: "Don't Worry, Be Happy": I'm not when I hear this.
Madonna: "This Used To Be My Playground" and Gloria Estefan: "Higher": These Olympic theme songs are just as bad as NBC's telecasts.
There's much more where that came from...

D.T.:

So, let's cut to the chase. What are the songs that I cannot stand not even for a microsecond?

Once again the rules: they're usually Top 10 songs, no bubblegum, not off-key, not demented, not boring, and they have to be played on radio stations today.

1.Where is the Love? -- Dionne Warwick and some Hathaway guy I forget -- GET RID OF THAT WEEPING TURKEY! Awful harmony! Augh!
2.Feelings -- Morris Albert -- BAD SONG! A maudlin classic best forgotten!
3.After the Love Has Gone -- Earth, Wind and Fire -- Ugh! Another song to zap from, but it's on even the urban classic stations too.
4.Lady -- Kenny Rogers -- Oh my God, they programmed that bad song by Kenny. You bastards!
5.Love Child -- Supremes -- they're not so Supreme for singing this garbage.
6.Woman in Love -- Barbra Streisand -- well she ain't Fiona Apple and I don't give a rat's a@@ if they like it. This song is awful!
7.Baby Come to Me -- James Ingram and Patti Austin -- thanks to that lousy soap General Hospital, this ballad is a mainstay on many stations, and it even hit #1 on the charts. Damn this song is lame!
8.Missing You - Diana Ross -- tell me what road you turned in order to sing this poorly melodic tear jerker? Another Diana Ross dud!
9.Me So Amor or whatever - Color Me Badd -- color me THIS! I HATE THAT SONG!
10.Foolish Beat -- Debbie Gibson -- a teeny bopper tearjerker that spelled the end of her success on the music chart after only a year at the top of the chart. Thanks to this bad song, Debbie Gibson hasn't been popular since!
11.Love On The Rocks -- Neil Diamond -- His career was on the rocks for this mellow pile of maudlin garbage. Bad song!
12.Night and Day -- Al B. Sure -- I'll be sure to put this on the list of BAD SONGS here! Why so many minor chords? HORRIBLE SONG!
13.I Still Believe -- Brenda K. Starr -- her name sounds like a chick comic strip, and again, why so many damn minor chords plus that awful singing voice?
14.Unbreak My Heart -- Toni Braxton -- the dance version is ok, but the slow version is so sad that it makes you get acid indegestion!
15.Sweet Love - Anita Baker -- is real dud! Bad melody! Bad combination! Bad song!
16.Rain On Me - The Who or whoever -- this is on a rock station and I heard one D.J. say that after he played it that he will never play that song again. I agree. This is a real sad song!
17.I Go Crazy - Paul Davis -- this maudlin song makes any person go crazy just by listening to it over and over again well past the 20 years people have since gotten sick of it!
18.Careless Whisper - Wham! -- I'd like to Wham! George Michael upside the head for this crying bopper. BAD SONG!
19.Cherish -- Kool and the Gang -- this just doesn't fit their style, and the song stinks too!
20.All Cried Out -- Lisa Lisa and whoever remade this song -- my braincells are all DIED out from just listening to this weeping crippling dribble.
21.Total Eclipse of the Heart -- Bonnie Tyler -- I HATE THIS BLASTED SONG! Horrible voice! Horrible melody! BAD SONG! BAAAAD!
22.ANYTHING by Michael Bolton -- only chicks and the girly men dig this music. For the kids, it turns them into sissies, aka bully bait. For the men, it makes them wield an axe to the office radio system.
23.Heartless -- Heart -- Worthless. BARF!
24.How Do You Keep the Music Playing -- James Ingram and Patti Austin -- how do you keep THIS song from playing ever again!
25.I Live For Your Love -- Natalie Cole? -- or whoever, she doesn't seem to have much of a life without his love. She needs therapy...before the radio listeners do from listening to this bland tune!
26.Sorry Seems to Be the Hardest Word -- Elton John -- definitely not among his greats.
27.Come Back to Me -- Janet Jackson -- one of her unhippest songs she ever done.
28.With Your Love -- Journey -- what a wimp rock song it is!
29.Suddenly -- Billy Ocean -- a bad case of diarrhea or what? AWFUL!
30.All By Myself -- Celine Dion -- GET OUT AND MEET PEOPLE WILL YOU! AAAUUUGGGHHH!
31.I Still Believe -- Mariah Carey -- Why remake a song that already stinks?
32.My All (slow mix) -- Mariah Carey -- She's not giving us her all in this one.
33.Always and Forever -- Luther Vandross -- Why remake a decent song and do such a mauldlin job at it?
34.Survivor -- Destiny's Child -- AWFUL!
35.Jessica Simpson -- Irrestable -- UGH!
36. Michael Jackson - Earth Song -- BARF!
37. Tamia - Stranger In My House -- GAG!

More Bad Songs

Name: Derek

I can think of 2 songs offhand that make me absolutely sick every time I am subjected to them...
1. "I Hope You Dance", LeeAnn Womack. What kind of line is, "...may you get your fill to eat but keep that hunger..."? Horrible song, horrible lyrics... and yet it keeps climbing the charts! This is why I hate when really bad country songs become "crossover" hits. They won't go away!
2. "Cruisin'", Huey Lewis and Gwyneth Paltrow. I know the song comes from a movie in which they both starred, but who gave her the idea that she could sing? I guess it's supposed to be a love song between a grandfather and his obnoxious granddaughter (who thinks she can sing because she can show-off and hold those long notes until you want to scream or vomit).

Name: Don McCullen

The song was orginaly done by Smokey Robinson. The movie was about people doing Karokie. The movie floped by the cover by Lewis/Paltrow was a hit on the AC chart. I finaly heard Smokey's orginal version of Cruisin, and personlay I like the cover version better.

Name: Tim Fang

Ok, here's mine. I have a lot of tolerance to most of the songs you put up (guess it's just me), but here's my short list of what I absolutely can't stand.
??? - "Seasons in the Sun," probably the cheesiest song that came out of the 70s.
"Barbie Girl" - Aqua. I either change the station or plug up my ears when this one come on.
"Angel on My Shoulder" - Natalie Cole. Her rendition of "Unforgettable" with her late father was a testament to the technology of the time. But her new stuff is not good at all.
"Live to tell" - Madonna. Sounded slow when I was five, but excruciatingly slow now at 20.
"One in a million" and "Where are You" - Bosson. His first song "We live" was okay, but there is a reason why his followups were only on the radio for a couple weeks at most.
"Look at Us" - Sarina Paris. I know a lot of pop/dance fans disagree but I just didn't get into that song.
"I Need You" - LeAnn Rimes. Lyrically its a decent spiritual song. Still, doesn't it sound like its a copy of Faith Hill's "Breathe?"
"Kiss, Kiss" - Stella Soeil. The bridge of the song just sounds too weird.
"Cry" - Angie Aparo. How did this song get into Gavin's Hot AC chart?

Name: Don McCullen

re: Where is the Love? -- Dionne Warwick and some Hathaway guy I forget -- GET RID OF THAT WEEPING <<

It's Donny Hathway and Roberta Flack that do that song.