Teenage Choice Awards: Why They're Bad For America (8-9-03)

Meanwhile, polluting the pop culture scene today are junk TV reality shows, overhyped flicks aimed for small minds, and pop music stars with no adult appeal.

Welcome to the new 10-year pop culture cycle, rated "1980" mostly for those born in the 1980's and early 1990's, not for those born before then.

While today's corporate pop stations are busy looking for "American Idol" winners to fill their playlists, Boomers and Gen X'ers are fleeing to better offerings by Satellite Radio, Internet, and stations that play oldies hits. Those with money can afford to flee.

So that leaves the media stations with few listeners and viewers except for those with little disposable income, that is, the kids and teenagers, to program mostly run-of-the-mill pop acts singing songs most people over 40 can't even name, and using only how good the singer looks as the basis on what to program on stations like the cookie-cutter KIIS clones across America.

I liked pop music better when it was middle aged and ugly. The music was far more memorable that way.

The recent Fox Teen Choice Awards got a pulse on what the teenagers of today are watching and hearing on the medium suited for smaller minds programmed by uneducated programmers who completely ignore the advanced tastes of the discriminating and educated adult, who, en masse, have exited in favor of better offerings from cable, satellite, and Internet.

The winners list for the Fox Teen Choice Awards for 2003 reflects that if you expose teenagers to junk, they'll choose junk for the most part. Heck, when I was their age 25 years ago, I watched All in the Family, M*A*S*H, The Odd Couple, and Taxi, some of the best-written shows that were on first-run network TV during my teenage years. I listened to quality acts such as CCR, Led Zeppelin, James Taylor, Elton John, Tony Orlando and Dawn, KC and the Sunshine Band, The Ramones, Aerosmith, Stevie Wonder, and other acts that both teenagers and adults alike can enjoy together.

Now with today's radio and TV stations programming so splintered up into age groups, it's almost impossible to get us boomers and now Gen X'ers to watch and listen to what these teenagers are experiencing at this moment. We've been outdemographic'ed in favor of younger fans, whose musical and entertainment tastes are questionable judging from the following list that is mostly not suited for older folks like me. Let me break these down for you.

TV

Drama: "7th Heaven". For boomers: "Eight is Enough" comes closest to this show. For X-ers: "90210". Same thing for each generation.

Breakout Show: "8 Simple Rules". Rule #1 for boomers: avoid this show. Rule #1 for X-ers: hope you don't have kids too soon.

Male Drama: David Gallagher. Who?

Male Comedy: Ashton Kutcher. Thanks to Demi Moore, an idol of boomers, we have some idea who Ashton is.

Sidekick: Wilmer Valderrama. Who's Wilmer, Wilma Flintstone's illegitamate son?

Female Drama: Sarah Michelle Gellar. For X-ers: uber babe! For boomers: All My Children.

Breakout Star Male: George Stults. Who?

Breakout Star Female: Kaley Cuoco. Who?

Reality Series: American Idol. For boomers: it's no Ted Mack. For X-ers: It's no Gong Show. Both shows were better than this thud, producing stars that don't have long-term lasting power.

Reality Variety Host: Ashton Kutcher (Punk*d). See above.

Reality Babe: Paula Abdul (A.Idol). For boomers: barely a blip. For X-ers: an early 90's pop babe!

Reality Hunk: Ashton Kutcher (Punk*d). Whatever!

Greatest Reality Moment: Justin Timberlake (Punk*d). He's still popular? Isn't he so 1999?

Grossest Reality Moment: Eating Squid Guts (Fear Factor). Not suited for people over age 16.

Scariest Reality Moment: Ruben in Bottom 2 (A. Idol). Real scariest moment: if the stocks for Disney and Clear Channel will take a fast dive in the stock market!

MUSIC

Female: Kelly Clarkson. Duh! Winner based only on exposure on TV and radio with little appeal to spare for older generations.

Rock Track: Bring Me To Life (Evanescence). BARF! UGH! This is the WORST song of the year! Radio stations to blame for playing this piece of sh*t track: Channel 933, My 94.1, Star 100.7, 94.9, 92.1, 91X, and other radio stations I haven't discovered playing this rubbish! Doesn't these idiot radio music directors listen to these rancid torture pieces before programming them? I HATE THAT F**KING SONG! UGGGH!

Single: Sk8r Boi. Advil Lavigne, who listened to David BOW-ie! Punk enough to appeal to X-ers and late boomers.

Hip Hop R&B: Jennifer Lopez. Just one word on her talent: "Gigli!" Enough (no pun intended) said!

Male: Eminem and 50 Cent. Together, these two males have helped to bring a new low to the standards of popular music, TV, and movies. Eminem is afraid to give Weird Al Yankovic permission to do a video parody of his crappy song "Lose Yourself" into Al's "Couch Potato" for fear that it will lessen his seriousness. Hey, Emimen, you're a g--damn joke to the music and movie industry as far as I'm concerned, and you can take your stuff and stick it where the sun don't shine. And as for 50 cent, what a choice of a name, gives himself a value of his cookie-cutter hip-hop flop. Stupid music. Stupid name.

Love Song: Crazy In Love. Repetetive. Sounds like a car that just won't start. Why is this so popular. Oh yea. It's because it's sung by some sexy singer, On Beyonce Zebra or whoever. Monotonous.

Rap Track: In Da Club. In the garbage can where it belongs!

Rap: Eminem. Rap is so corporate driven that it's a bore. Eminem is as more of a joke than Vanilla Ice ever was!

Rock: Good Charlotte. Never heard them.

Album: Young & the Hopeless. Sounds like a soap opera parody!

Breakout Artist: 50 Cent. Junk!

R&B Hip Hop: Love You Like I Do. Doesn't ring a bell!

Summer Song: Crazy in Love. Bulls**t! It's t.A.T.u.'s "Never Gonna Get Us", the dance remix, of course.

Summer Tour: Justified/Stripped. Screw you, Fox. It's the Weird Al Yankovic "Poodle Hat" tour that's the real winner here!

MOVIES

Drama: Matrix: Reloaded. What's a matrix?

Male Comedy: Jim Carrey (Bruce Almighty). He's history. Find someone funnier!

Female Comedy: Queen Latifah (Bringing Down..). At least we're talking quality here.

Villian: Colin Farrell (Daredevil). Oh, that's the movie to blame for Evanessence's rise to popularity! Garbage too!

Hissy Fit: Adam Sandler (Anger Mgt). Always fun to watch.

Breakout Female: Hillary Duff (Lizzie McGuire). Didn't she give her mother 40 whacks? No, that's Lizzie BORDEN. Sorry.

Comedy: Sweet Home Alabama. I'm looking forward to renting "A Mighty Wind" as the funniest comedy of the year.

Horror: The Ring. Real horror: the cost of going to the movies!

Male Drama: Eminem. Junk!

Female Drama: Jennifer Aniston. At least she's cute!

Liar: Leonardo DiCaprio. Yesterday's news.

Liplock: Witherspoon / Lucas. My vote: those two girls from t.A.T.u.

Chemistry: Walker / car. Huh?

Breakout Male: Eminem. Again, teenagers have no better choices presented to them to vote for than this hack from the pool of rappers.

Fight Action Sequence: 2 Fast 2 Furious. Kids, don't try this at home!

Movie of the Summer: Pirates of the Caribbean. Whatever. I'm for The Hulk myself!

Misc

Hottie Male: Ashton Kutcher. He's no Potsie!

Athlete Male: Kobe Bryant. Disqualified! Real winner: Lance Armstrong, 5x winner of the Tour De France!

Comedian: Jim Carrey. Real winner: Sean Morey!

Fashion Icon Male: Ryan Seacrest. At least he's got the face of a disc jockey!

Cross-over Artist: Mandy Moore. A dud.

Fashion Icon Female: Jennifer Lopez. Yucch! Real winner: Susan Lucci. Now that's class!

Athlete Female: Serena Williams. Or are they confusing her for Venus?

Video Game: Grand Theft Auto :Vice City. This game should be banned. Makes people drive like crazy on the road!

Hottie Female: Beyonce Knowles. Leaves me cold.

http://origin.fox.com/tca2003/winners.htm