Can't Find Anything Like KCBQ The Sequel (3-7-03)

When we last left our father and son time-traveling team from 1971, they used a time machine to travel forth 30 years in time to the year 2001, and were completely disappointed in the selection of radio stations on the San Diego dial, which had music formats neither could relate to. Now, as we return to the story of the father and son team in the year 2003, they finally discover that they can go home again.

The cast:

Father's name: John Paul Ringo George

Age: 33 (would have been that age in 1973).

Son's name: Julian George

Age: 10 (would have been that age in 1973).

To recap, John was an experimental scientist who invented a machine that transported him into the future. At the time, he and his son were listeners of KCBQ AM 1170, the dominant radio station in San Diego which played a mixture of Top 40 and album rock music from the period (up through 1971 where they left to the future.) They travel to the future, but can't get back to the past, scan the radio dial to hear something like KCBQ and can't find anything worth their time. We pick up the story two years after they settled down in the next millenium.

John: Son? What are you doing?

Julian: Dad, I'm thinking about plugging in the AM radio for the first time in two years since you couldn't find anything on the dial.

John: I guess it couldn't hurt now. You're old enough to know the difference between what is good and bad radio, son?

Julian: I guess so, dad. What is the difference?

John: Well, let's tune in to something called Z on 90 where they play background music with people reciting obscene poems. (plays Ja Rule or whoever singing about taking someone else's clothes off). Now, this is what is known as porn radio, son. This is a bad talk show. Avoid listening to this 90 station.

Julian: OK, dad.

John: Now let's tune in to 101.5 where you heard a song about running with satan (Van Halen's Running With The Devil, it's 7:10am on a weekday). What the hell happened to the music?

Julian: Hey, dad, some guy told a fart joke and some guy named Bromosexual said penis on the radio! Ha-ha!

John: Why is that funny?

Julian: Because I thought you can't say penis on the radio.

John: And this guy named Dave is supposed to be funny? I'm not laughing and this ain't for kids.

Julian: I guess this talk show isn't for adults either.

John: You're right, son, Let's turn the dial to the AM and see if there's any signs of intelligent life.

Julian: Oky doky.

John: (tunes to 600). Nothing but news. What's this? World War III is about to break out? (U.S. vs Iraq).

Julian: Should I duck and cover dad?

John: Not yet, son. Let's turn the dial. (tunes to 690). What's this? NASCAR talk? What's a NASCAR? Never heard of that thing. Where's the music?

Julian: I guess they ran out of music on the AM dial.

John: Let's keep going (tunes to 760 for talk). Nothing. (tunes to 800, 910, 1000). Nothing. (tunes to 1090). What's this? The Chargers pulled a gun on their fans? (the Chargers triggered the renogiation clause in their contract to renogtiate a new deal with San Diego). Sports in 2003 is getting violent. Now football players can use guns?

Julian: Dallas has the cowboys, I guess they're using guns too.

John: Let's turn the dial (tunes to 1170 for talk). This is where my music should be. Where is it?

Julian: Not there anymore, yet it's still KCBQ.

John: Let's keep going (tunes to 1240). Radio Dismal is playing some stripper named Christina Aguliera (Dirty)? This is for kids?

Julian: She's scary, dad. She needs a bath.

John: Yeah, and her mouth washed out with soap! (tunes the dial to 1360). It's my father's music. Boring! (tunes dial to a scratchy 1450).

Julian: Hey, dad, this sounds familiar.

John: Hey, they're playing the song we were listening to when we left to the future (The Beatles' Long and Winding Road). They're playing CCR, Three Dog Night, Jackson 5, Paul McCartney, and all those other bands we heard, but who are those new guys I never heard of? Barry Manilow? Elton John? Carly Simon? Never heard of them. They sound good though.

Julian: They must have found some records that were lost when we went to the future, dad.

John: Sounds like we have the perfect match for our old AM radio once again on 1450? It's really scratchy. I wish we can get it better.

Julian: Dad, they sound like they're coming from the far north.

John: The Far North?

Julian: Yeah. Escondido.

John: Exactly, son. We must take our radio to Escondido so our radio can get the good music better and we can hear them without all the scratches and fade outs.

Julian: How do we get to Escondido?

John: Well, first off, we need to get into the car we stole, er, borrowed from some guy in a cheap looking suit from some car lot (something called Mossy Yugo Nowhere) and drive up there on the old narrow road that leads up there (it's now a 8-14 lane freeway).

Julian: Do we have to move up there, dad?

John: If we really want to hear this music again, son, we'll have to vacate this overpriced junk pad (a $1,200 a month rental) and find some cheap trailer for us to live in.

Julian: Hey, dad, on the TV. It looks like Michael Jackson's illegetimate white mother.

John: No, son, that IS Michael Jackson at age 44. He's white, dresses like Jackie O, and his nose has shrunk.

Julian: Ewwww! He's uglier than my school teacher!

John: Let's get in the Yugo Screw Mossy car and drive up there.

Julian: OK.

They get on the freeway and wonder why the freeway is so big?

Julian: Hey, dad, is this the new stadium the Chargers were talking about?

John: What do you mean, son?

Julian: (looking at the seven northbound lanes and three HOV lanes to the left) the freeway is as wide as a football field. The Chargers could play on the freeway sideways and it's cheaper than a new stadium!

John: Ha ha, son. (drives up northwards). Looks like the AM 1450 signal is getting stronger. I'm hearing a lot of new acts (acts from 1972-81) that came out since we left 1971 in our old time machine.

Julian: Hey dad. Where's our old time machine?

John: Oh #$^##@! I sold it to the ColecoVision Obsolete Electronic Museum in Sorrento Valley. It didn't return back in time anyway. I'll have to build a new time machine once I can watch those old Michael J. Fox movies (Back to the Future triology) on something called movies on a disc (DVD) for tips on how to turn a car into a time machine. Maybe we can drive back to 1971 in the car.

Julian: Hey dad, there's Jerry Reed singing a song about alligators and swamps (Amos Moses).

John: We're getting closer to Escondido, but some guy just passed us saying we're number one (flipped the middle finger).

Julian: Dad, he was mad because you cut him off changing lanes.

John: I was trying to go for a touchdown getting from lane 7 to lane 1 faster than any of those Charger runningbacks could do all year.

Julian: Hey dad, AM 1450 is playing something weird. Some guy trying a Donald Duck imitation?

John: Sounds like a Disco Duck. That song sounds awful (Rick Dees singing?). Where's Mickey Mouse?

Julian: You mean those three guys singing about staying alive (The Bee Gees.) They sound like the three Mickey Mice.

John: I thought singing about Philadephia Freedom was about the Declaration of Independence (Elton John). We missed all this from the 70's?

Julian: Hey dad, are we in Escondido yet?

John: I guess we are at last (they're in Miramar's gas station intersection). Let's fill up our Yugo we stole from that Mossy moron.

Julian: Look, dad, I see "2"'s in the first column!

John: What the hell? Unleaded $2.09? $2.13? $2.27? $6.87? What?

Julian: This HeXXon gas has gas for $6.87, $7.87, and $8.87 a gallon! Is this gas any better?

John: Wait, son! I see a gas station! I see a price on the pump that says $1.99 a gallon for unleaded! Let's pull in!

John gets out and walks to the station. "I want to buy $20 worth to fill up my tank," he says to the clerk.

The clerk asks him if that's on an ATM card?

John says "I don't have an 80-M on me. I guess it's cash."

So John pays the clerk the $20, then begins to fill, but after one gallon, the pump stops!

John: What happened? Did we run out of gas?

Julian: I guess the pump is broken.

John: I better go to the clerk and get my $18 I didn't pump in back.

John goes to the clerk.

John: Excuse me, clerk. The pump I was pumping on is broken.

Clerk: The pump is working last time we checked.

John: I wan't my $18 back if the pump isn't going to give me any more gas.

Clerk: You already got your gas for $20.

John: No, I didn't. Your pump is defective and I only got one gallon costing $2. You owe me nine more gallons.

Clerk: But that will cost you another $180 for the nine gallons!

John: Are you trying to rip me off? The price on the damn pump says $1.99 a gallon!

Clerk: Sir, the price on the sign is a tenth of what it really costs to pump at this place!

John: What do you mean?

Clerk: Well, our pumps only go to $9.99 a gallon, but since we ran out of numbers and we can't price it higher, we simply set our pumps at 1/10th of the selling price and charge 10 times the price on the price setting to get the full price.

John: You mush minded Clear Channel radio listeners are ripping me off. I demand nine more gallons in my Yugo or else!

Clerk: Or else what?

John: Son! Put on AM 1450 and play the portable radio as loud as you can!

Julian: Ok, dad (turns on the radio playing "Feelings", "Torn Between Two Lovers," and "How Do You Mend a Broken Heart."

Clerk: STOP IT! STOP IT! STOP THIS TORTURE! THIS IS NOT MUSIC!

John: I'll stop torturing you with music I like when I get my nine gallons I paid for with my $20.

Clerk: Oh yeah, well, try this pig! (puts on his portable radio playing playing rap on Z90!)

John: AHHHH! This talk on music sucks! This is not music!

Clerk: Yes it is, now get out before I call the police!

John: Oh yea! (shows a fake toy badge) I am an undercover officer of the United States Secret Police. I am here to arrest you and to take you to the Fox 1450 padded cell where you will have to hear this music all the time until they take you down to prison where you will hear Barry Manilow playing all the time!

Clerk: No! Don't arrest me! Here's your crappy $20 back! Now fill up your gas and leave! I can't stand this kind of radio!

John: AM 1450 plays real music, not the fake kind that you listen to on your radio. Try it and you'll get some brain cells in your teenage head of yours!

Julian: I got 27 gallons in the Yugo, dad!

John: Thank's son, now we're off to our new trailer park home in Escondido where we can build ourselves some radios that can tune in nothing but AM 1450 all day long and nothing else.

Julian: Dad? What's a Clear Channel?

John: A river without any lifeforms in it, son.

Julian: Is Clear Channel like a river without any signs of life in it, dad?

John: The way they program their radio stations with incomprehensible junk I can't relate to, it sure is, son.

THE END...until John builds a time machine or 1450 changes format or something else.