Equimas Day morning, the bells rang and woke everybody up at 5am. 5AM? Who the f--k gets up that early for a holiday?
We spent the morning unwrapping the Equimas presents we gave each other. We also unwrapped the presents Santo Pedro delivered to us overnight.
Most of us got 2013 Milliean Calendars of all sorts of themes.
I - South Park
Jim - Bruce Valanch, or was it Harvey Fierstein, or Eric Cartman as a raccoon?
Chachi - Buffy, the Vampire Slayer (naturally)
Dean - Doctor Who (sure)
Lance - Family Guy
Gina - RuPaul
Hoss - Heavyweight Boxing Champs
Scotty - Star Trek (naturally)
Wilma - Charmed
Mindy - Jonas Brothers
Mindy got an extra special present. A Smart Car from Santo. It's her first car. It's a stickshift, so now she can drive with TWO stick shifts if you know what I mean.
Santo also delivered new portable realm/time machine modules that use compressed natural gas to operate to everybody.
Just for fun, we drove around the P-Nix area to places such as Shirley Tempe, Adam Sandler, Gilbert Gottfried, Guad is Loopy, we drove all of the eight freeway loops that went around the P-Nix area, and stopped at the place that used to be the site of Mel's Diner, which is now a homeless shelter for Circus City.
It was 6pm, and we in our six cars decided to use our portable realm/time machine modules to go back to a date in time when Mel's Diner was once open. We selected the date of Yellow 12, 1980, which translates to July 4, 1976 in the Real World. It was the 200th anniversary of the United States of the Nation.
We all used our portable realm/time machines without the need to drive fast on a freeway, and we all arrived at the same time in the parking lot of Mel's Diner, which shared the parking lot with a nearby Med Fart general store and a high school field. We all arrived at 6pm, the destination time.
We went inside the Diner and saw Alice, Flo, and Vera. Not kidding. Even Mel before he died years later was there bossing the waitresses and cooking up the food.
Mel's chili was actually good despite being the butt of the jokes made by the waitresses.
After dinner, we walked outside and sat on the grass as we watched a Patriotic 4th of July Fireworks Show complete with marching bands, cheerleaders, people disguised as Washington, Franklin, Adams, etc., and a super fireworks show. What a blast.
At 10pm, we left Yellow 12, 1980, and arrived at 6:01pm Blue 27, 2012, one minute after we departed.
I decided to play some of my mp3s on my portable xPod that I secretly keep hidden from the FBI. I wanted to play some tracks from Van Halen, but for some mysterious reason, the only albums I could find loaded were Van Halen I, Van Halen II, Women and Children First, and Fair Warning. Everything released from Diver Down and on have vanished. I thought that my flash drive was going bad.
We also noticed that Gina was plumper by 50 pounds.
We also noticed that the Jenny Greg store that was across the street from us had vanished and was a smoke shop.
We didn't know what happened. We thought that we set our time machines to return to the correct date and time coordinates. They were correct, right to the month, day, year, hour, and minute.
Lance decided to investigate by looking up Van Halen in the stickipedia.com website. It says that the band broke up in 1981 Real World year when their Fair Warning LP bombed, Eddie became a tuba player and married Kate Bush (what? Not Valerie Bertinelli?)
OK. We decided to type in Valerie Bertinelli's name, and it came up that she was reported missing on the night of July 4, 1976, Real World year. We searched for One Day at a Time and it came up with the fact that Barbara was recast to Kristy McNichol, who bombed and the show was gone by January of 1977.
Another fact: Valeire Bertinelli wasn't banned in Arid Zone in this Alternate Timeline II becauase she didn't exist long enough to cause some adverse people reaction that led to a chain of events to have the state government ban her from entering the state.
Lance looked up the name of Wolfgang Van Halen, but it came back as person not in existence.
What the heck did we do? We really must have screwed up something, but how?
Dude, this is really f--ked up, right here!
Alright. We went back in time to 1980. Ate at Mel's Diner. Watched Fireworks. Came back to 2012. Valerie has vanished. Did someone from the future abduct her?
Just then, out of the back of Hoss's Ford Explorer was a 16-year-old Valerie Bertinelli herself, who was confused and wondered if she slept for 24 hours and didn't know where she was. Mindy and Wilma went over to greet her, and had to lie to her that Hoss and us simply drove in our cars for an hour and she stowed away in Hoss's vehicle, and wondered how she got in there.
Valerie said that she stowed away inside someone's Cadillac to escape from her fans, then fell asleep, woke up, left the Cadillac, went around the parking lot and found more fans coming at her, so she hid in the Explorer and fell asleep.
That explains it all. We unknowningly kidnapped a young Valerie from 1976, but who's Cadillac was it that she was in? Valerie described it as having some weird psychedelic colors and has CDs of Glenn Miller that her parents enjoyed.
Professor Albert and Beverly's Cadillac. That's it. They were in the real world in Phoenix at the site of Mel's Diner to celebrate the Fourth of July 1976 Gregorian Date. After wards, they decided to go to the El Zona realm but not change the date so they arrived in Yellow 12, 1980 Milliean Date. Valerie stowed away in Albert's Cadillac, then she must have left it and stowed away in Hoss's Explorer.
So now we're in 2012 Alternate Timeline II, and we gotta get back to 2012 Alternate Realm I or else we can't fix the President Mickey Mouse problem. How do we warp Valerie Bertinelli back to 6pm July 4, 1976 in the Real World without giving the time and realm warp secret away to this then-kid?
I had an idea. I had Mindy and Wilma entertain Valerie by having them join Gina in her Mustang and they went for a drive pretending to search for her parents.
The rest of us devised a secret plan to get Valerie back to where she belonged.
Scotty went into his car and took out his older portable realm/time machine that used Plutonium, which was just about depleted, then set it to the date of 6pm July 4, 1976 Real World date. It looked like a calculator and it had just enough Plutonium to get her to make the trip back to where she belonged. We talked about the plan and expanded in it.
At 7pm, Gina arrived to tell us that they couldn't find Valerie's parents. Scotty came over and asked Gina to give Valerie this "calculator", and as soon as she pressed the "on" button, she would be back to where she belonged. Wilma secretly placed a time-and-realm delayed spell on Valerie that would make her think about entering Mel's Diner to escape the fans and forget about her time and realm warp misadventure.
Gina handed the "calculator" to Valerie and said that it's their gift to her. Valerie said thank you and decided to try it out by hititng the "on" button. She did and a vortex sucked Valerie up and she went back to the date and time she departed from the Real World at 6:05pm on July 4, 1976.
As soon as that happened, the Jenny Greg store instantly returned to where the smoke shop was. Van Halen's post Fair Warning albums reappeared on my xPod. Lance looked up stickipedia and Wolfgang Van Halen was in existence, in fact, he just turned 18 this past Monday March the 16th in the Real World. Most of all, Valerie was listed with a full set of credits all the way to 2008 Real World year.
We also read why Valerie was banned from Arid Zone. It's because while she was there, the young women were angry and jealous when their boyfriends ditched them and wanted to meet Valerie. The women got so mad that they started to diet like crazy, some of them dying due to voluntary starvation. This led to the state government to ban Valerie Bertinelli from entering Arid Zone so that nothing like this ever happens again.
But we had to explain to Scotty that since Valerie did manage to return to this realm recently, there may have been enough Plutonium for her to return to the El Zona realm again, and possibly again. Scotty now wonders if he really did calculate how much Plutonium was in the realm/time machine as the fuel gauge in the machine was a bit inaccurate.
Lance surfed the net. Mickey Mouse was president. etc. etc. Everything was back to being simply abnormal instead of doubly abnormal.
Next time we warp into a year in the past, we better make sure that we completely lock up our vehicles.
We better just hope that Valerie runs out of Plutonium in Scotty's old portable realm/time machine if it hasn't already.
Or did Valerie use the machine repeatedly in secret, time warping ahead every few minutes for a few years so that she would effectively be 16 years younger than her real world time span? Think about it. She looks 32 and she's 48 in real world years. She may have bumped herself with the time machine up a few minutes at a time in secret. Think about it.
Anyway, enough with that.
We spent the rest of Equimas day watching some of the Blue Badness college basketball tournament. We don't know why we were watching it. Nobody from our colleges were in the tournament. There were some 1,024 teams playing that day. When it started the day before, there were 2,048, virturaly all of the college basketball teams in the nation playing. Even to 0-16 teams were playing for the championship. This needs to be fixed.
We turned in at about 10pm because of all of the time warping and realm warping and it exhausted us all. The next day, we would come up with a plan to get this Mickey Mouse out of existence as President of the United States of the Nation.
Good night.
And, oh yes, Gina was back to her svelte self, thanks to Jenny Greg. Now we know where she goes.
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