El Zona de los Misterio Web Novels

It was 7am when Lance woke us up. He was panicking.

I asked what was the matter. He said that we must leave NOW to Arid Zone because someone was after me.

I asked him who it was. Lance pointed to the door where there was a knocking on the door. Lance turned on one of the video montors in his computer room and there was Valerie Bertinelli demanding that I come out. How did she know I was here. Lance suggested that she had a spy track my moves for the past few days.

Lance had Gina escort me out the back door and into her Mustang. Lance opened the door and said for Valerie to come on it and check out the whole house because I wasn't in the house. Dean and Jim came out from the bedroom and into the living room wondering why Jenny Greg commercials were in Lance's living room. Valerie said she wanted to draft me for her company's weight loss program, but won't foot the bill for the effort.

When she heard Gina's Mustang taking off, Valerie looked out and saw me and Gina driving off and getting on the I-8 eastbound. Valerie and her gang took off after me and Gina. Lance, Dean, and Jim took off in Dean's Hummer and took off following Valerie and Gina's cars.

I got to know Gina a bit while we were heading towards the Arid Zone border. She told me that she and Lance want to marry but the Banana State government has banned same sex marriages. I told her that Arid Zone also has a ban on that as well, but suggested that since they look like different sexes, they could get married in secret. Gina said that she, being a hermaphrodite, says that the government would find out and treat her as a man, which she isn't.

About an hour later, we all decided to hit El Pesotro because Gina was running out of gas. Valerie and Dean were close by. In the meantime, Lance in Dean's Hummer called out his posse in Brawny to intercept Gina's Hummer at the Chevychase gas station. When Gina arrived, the posse from Brawny acted as bodyguards to keep Valerie and her gang away from me. There were about 12 men in the posse and they took turns arguing Valerie that Marie Osmond of Nutty System was a better singer and cuter. Valerie got mad and said that she fought to be cuter than Marie. One said that Marie can sing but she can't. Valerie struck back and asked when was the last time Marie had a hit song. Another one asked Valerie why she picked on David. Valerie said that when he delivered the pizza in the El Zono Loco Jenny Greg franchise days ago, she overheard David saying that they hoped that they don't sick Valerie on David, and Valerie took it as an insult.

After Gina got the tank filled, and so did Dean with his tank, I joined Dean and Jim in their Hummer and lied to Valerie that I was gay and liked Jim the gay guy and Gina the hermaphrodite. Valerie didn't believe my lie because she knew I had a website full of her pictures. Lance and Gina took off in the Mustang. I, Dean, and Jim took off. Valerie and her gang followed suit. The posse waved goodbye and good luck.

At about 11:25am Pacific Standard Time, we arrived at the state border inspection checkpoint and had to stop. The inspector with a ranger hat and uniform kneeled down over and asked us if we moved our clocks ahead one hour yet as we were entering the Mountain Time Zone. We checked and had to adjust our clocks. The inspector told us that if we didn't do so soon after we entered Arid Zone, we would have been vortexed into The Wrong Time Zone. Meanwhile, Valerie's SUV stopped behind us, and Dean's Hummer stopped behind Valerie's SUV. We overheard the inspector at Valerie's SUV telling her that she can't enter Arid Zone because of a statewide ban on Valerie Bertinelli. She got mad and asked why. He said that the governor passed a law back in 1976 stating that Valerie Bertinelli can never enter the state of Arid Zone because she was way too cute and it would make the local large-framed women look ugly and fat by comparison. Angry and swearing, Valerie took her SUV and made a U-Turn onto the westbound lanes of I-8., then darted off into the desert.

At 12:30pm Mountain Standard Time, which was five minutes later than our previous stated time because we moved our clocks ahead one hour, we entered the city of Yummy, Arid Zone. The business loop was full of restaurants, ice cream parlors, motels, gas stations, general stores, and full service service stations that don't just sell gas. For now, my time is the same as Pacific Daylight Time and Arizona Standard Time in the real world.

We stopped into Rob's Big Fat Boy restaurant and had a great lunch. We ate a Big Fat double decker hamburger, french fries, a root beer float, and some cheesecake. Meanwhile, Lance was searching for sundae shops in Yummy where Hoss might be working. He found one which was modestly called Hoss's Sundae Shop. We left the restaurant, drove up the business route, and arrived at Hoss's. It was a 50's style soda and sundae shop that even had a 50s style jukebox playing 45s from the golden era of rock and roll.

Hoss came over and greeted us. I asked why he's no longer in the comedy music business. Hoss treated us to a sundae, and sat down with us. He explained that thanks to the federal government and the Music Fist Coalition, I would have had to pay out royalties for every streamed song, and when I added up the numbers, they were just too high to continue doing business, so I had to close down the business.

I asked Hoss if that was all. Hoss said that he also had to leave the state because Valerie Bertinelli wanted to draft him in the Jenny Greg weight loss center and Hoss knew that Valerie was outlawed in Arid Zone.

I asked Hoss if he's been keeping up on Chachi and Scotty. Hoss said that he didn't knew where they went after they left their homes. We briefed Hoss that they might be in Shocker near P-Nix for baseball spring training. Hoss asked what for. We told him that Scotty may be part-owner of the San Rubio Carp baseball team, but Chachi was a coach, and Mindy was either one of the hopefuls or just there to attract paying spectators.

We asked Hoss if he would like to come along with us. Hoss said that he can't because his finances are tight and he has to mind the store all the time. We bid each other good luck and farewell, but would be stopping by again on our way back to San Rubio.

During our long three-hour trip from Yummy to Shocker, Lance and I were in Gina's car. Dean and Jim followed along. Lance and I decided to redo two of my website home pages. I happened to have a PayHow account username and password handy, so with that, we managed to enter my account so we could create purchase links for several dozen of my mp3s on davidtanny.com. He also helped me redesign the home page of dfsxradio.com. With some hacking, we managed to upload the changed files onto the web server locations of my websites. They're for real. You can now go to davidtanny.com and purchase my mp3s in 320kbps. We can look up who purchased my mp3s by logging into my PayHow account and send them the mp3s at their e-mail addresses.

At about 4:30pm Mountain Standard Time, we arrived in Shocker, Arid Zone, where we greeted Chachi, and Mindy. I asked if Scotty was part-owner of the Carp team. Chachi said that he wasn't because he didn't have enough financial leverage to complete the deal, but Scotty has moved to downtown P-Nix to run a motel.

Dean and I drove on over to Travelhodgepodge and we met up with Scotty. We explained that his descendant from 1,000 years into the future was looking for him because he needed his help in fixing the corrupted time continuum in the year where he lives.

Scotty wondered how he could help. I suggested that he could use his Chrysforlet Earnhardtian to travel back in the month or Red to fix what happened there.

Scotty asked if I knew what happened in on Election Day in the month of Red in the United States of The Nation. I told him that President Tim Meddows was elected president. Scotty said that he thought so, but on the day before he was fired from San Rubio Mayor, the President suddenly became Mickey Mouse. The city of San Rubio fell into a deep financial depression as soon as the city was pushed into an alternate timeline thanks to someone meddling with the past, and that led to Scotty and Carlotta divorcing, Chachi and Angelina breaking up, Hoss closing up shop and leaving the state, Dr. Albert and Beverly moving to who knows where, stores closing up, a rise in homelessness, and more.

I said huh? Scotty said that somebody from the future corrupted the timeline by altering the Election Day 2012 results so that instead of Tim Meddows being elected, we got Mickey Mouse for president.

I asked if that explained the Disney takeover of all of the media. Scotty said that the government bailout loans were granted on the condition that they would be used to market Disney programs and music only, and that no other programs and music by other companies would be allowed to be on the TV, radio, satellite, and Internet radio stations.

And another thing, CD-MP3 players were banned as well as xPods because they can play non-Disney music.

After that explanation, Scotty asked me if I had any plans to fix the election so that we would return to the regular timeline instead of the alternate timeline we are in right now, and Scotty's descendant is in 1,000 years into the future. I said that we would need to get together with Chachi, Lance, Gina, Mindy, and Jim to see if they could come up with any ideas to get Mickey Mouse out of Presidential office.

Scotty, Dean and I all got to Shocker to watch an exhibition baseball game that was playing at night. The Carp lost to the Smog Angeles Souls of Tangerine County by a score of 11-6.

Before the game, I asked Mindy if she's going to make the team. Mindy says that she hopes so since she's good at hitting the ball.

During the game, I watched Mindy hit the ball, and believe me, she's not in hitting form. Something's going on to make the balls go out of the field.

I went to near the dugout and saw Wilma the witch, Mindy's friend, casting spells to make Mindy's balls hit home runs. Wilma didn't see me spying on her.

Should I tell Chachi that Mindy's friend Wilma was making the balls fly out of the field and hurt his feelings? I don't know.

At about 10pm Mountain Standard Time after the game ended, we told Chachi that he should meet me, Dean, Jim, Lance, and Gina in Scotty's Travelhodgepodge motel to brainstorm some ideas. Chachi said that he would like to come early tomorrow morning as he's coaching the game later in the day and he has to arrive at 10am. We asked if Mindy and Wilma would like to come along and help. Chachi said that they might but he can't guarantee it. We said goodnight and drove off to Travelhodgepodge to get some shuteye.

At 11pm, Lance and Gina got room 202, and I, Dean, and Jim got room 203 next to that room. The front of the rooms showed up a parking lot, but the back of the rooms showed us a swimming pool. We decided to hit the pool at a later date.

We turned on the TV to see what the local shows in P-Nis, er, I mean P-Nix, looked like. All of the stations were off the air. I called Scotty and asked why there were no TV signals at 11pm. Scotty said that in P-Nix, all of the TV stations sign on early, around 5am, and sign off at 11pm because people here were early risers and sleepers, and it didn't make sense for TV stations in Arid Zone to be on the air 24 hours a day. I asked what happened to Craig Kilborn and Jimmy Fallon's late night shows. Scotty referred us to the TV Died magazine and we found out that they were on another station that showed them a day later at an earlier time.

We tried to go to youboob.com and the site was blocked by a firewall. Scotty said that the state of Arid Zone shuts off the Internet from 11pm-5am in all time zones. Great. How did I get this diary entry out on my blog. Lance hacked the computers and tricked the firewall by giving us federal credentials to allow me to post this entry in the blog you're just finishing up reading now.

I don't know what I'd do without Lance. He's been a great help with his computer Internet hacking skills. Anyway, it's lights out in Arid Zone. Cya tomorrow with just two days until Equimas Day, so we better get some holiday shopping done that day!

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