El Zona de los Misterio Web Novels

This morning, we got up, and went downtown, to look for a job. Then, we hung out in front of a drugstore.

At the drugstore, we picked up a free copy of Job Mart magazine and found some jobs that we could apply for. We applied for several of the jobs, but three of them immediately hired us. Most of the jobs listed were seasonal, so they'll be gone after Equimas Day just six days from now.

Our jobs will have to do so that we can pay to live at Motel 7.

Dean got a job as a overnight toy stockman for Wal Fart. The weird part of it was that the store was located along the highway 125 freeway, which is where many extraterrestrial spaceships and realm machines travel through time, space, and dimension to get from one realm to another and from one time to another. The wee hours of the morning, especially around March, are the most active for some reason.

Jim got a better job, or so in his opinion. He's working a nightshift for a gay adult toy shop.

I got a job and guess what my real life experience landed me? A job as a pizza delivery guy at Papa Hut's Pizza. Fortunately, the company supplied me with a company car that I used to deliver pizzas in since I don't have access to my own car here.

As I approached the company car for the first time, I noticed that it looked strikingly familiar. The shape and body was similar to the 1970 Ford Torino. The insides were all leather seats. No bucket seats, but couch-like seats in the front as well as the rear. Wait a minute. I noticed that on the bottom of the underside of the dashboard were my initials D.T. that I scribbled way back in the day. It was my old car!

But how? I thought I paid $100 scrap fee to a demolisher to take it away three years ago the last time I was in El Zona. I looked under the hood to see what it looked like. There was a brand new V8 engine. There was a brand new five-speed automatic transmission with overdrive. There was brand new air conditioning that used less gas. The engine used natural gas instead of leaded regular. Holy s--t! They remodled my old car and now it's a company car at Papa Hut's Pizza!

The old AM radio with five push button presets had been replaced with a new radio that picks up AM, FM, Satellite, and XM. Unfortunately, it didn't have a MP3 CD slot or an MP3 player port on it. I was afraid to try it out.

But what the hell. I turned it on, flipped on a station, and got Hannah Montana. Turned the dial and there were The Jonas Brothers. Turned the dial and there was High School Musical. Turned the dial to AM to FM to Satellite to IM and got nothing but teen pop bands all over the dial. It was Radio Disney on every freakin' channel. Nothing but contemporary chick and teen junk.

Whatever. I selected a channel at random and listened to Hannah all the way to Jenny Greg, because, it was my first delivery in it and I never dreamed that one day that old car that used to have the music of Johnny Cash and Led Zeppelin playing 39 years ago now has the music of Hannah Montana.

The car accelerated fast and smooth. The brakes were powerful. The steering was accurate. The shifting was excellent. I can put up with Hannah as long as the car works great.

I arrived at Jenny Greg and got out of the car. I carried the pizzas into the building, expecting to see posters of Radio Disney teen pop stars all over the walls.

Instead, the receptionist room had walls covered with posters of Jenny Greg's spokeswoman, Valerie Bertinelli. Yikes!

I found the employees who ordered the pizzas. They paid me and gave me a $10 tip. I told them that I hoped that Jenny would not sic Valerie on me (since I'm overweight). They said that they won't. I left and drove off. I don't know who's more annoying, Hannah or Valerie. They both seem to be overcommercialized. What is this? Alice in Commercialland?

I returned to Motel 7 at about 10pm Pacific Standard Time after my shift was over. I took a bus back to the motel. Jim and Dean had just gone to their separate jobs.

I flipped on the TV after I paid the motel manager to upgrade the TV so that it can pick up satellite TV signals. I turned on the TV expecting to see TV Disney and guess what I got? ESPN. Cool. I turned the channel and I got ESPN 2, ESPN Classic, ESPN Prime Ticket, ESPN Versus, ESPN Speedvision, ESPN Tennis, ESPN Sportscenter reruns, etc. All of the sports channels were named with ESPN in it. Did Disney buy all of the sports channels?

I don't know what's going on. I went to the Internet with a kiosk inside the room that I was staying in. I surfed over to zap4it.com for the satellite TV listings to see what was on the TV that I was using. Here's the channel lineup that I found.

Grey's Anatomy Taping Studio Channel
Grey's Anatomy McDreamy News Channel
Grey's Anatomy Script Construction Channel
Grey's Anatomy Gossip Channel
Grey's Anatomy Fan Letter Channel
Grey's Anatomy Rerun Channel
All My Children Episode Channel 1970-present (a channel for each year through the present)
One Life to Live Episode Channel 1968-present (a channel for each year through the present)
General Hospital Episode Channel 1963-present (a channel for each year through the present)
Disney Channel Reruns 1983-present (a channel for each year through the present)
ABZ Family Channel (ten of them!)
ABZ, CBZ, NBZ, Wolf, MyTVNetwork, The WC Networks
27 Lifetime channels
16 Hannah Montana channels, all of them running show reruns or informercials about Hannah products
12 We channels
19 Hallmark channels
and so on and so on...

Ai, yi, yi, yi, yi. Satellite TV has been taken over by Disney. Disney controls every TV and radio station on all bands in the El Zona, and probably all of the United States of the Nation. Where was Comedy Central? SciFi Channel? BBC America? Cartoon Network? Boomerang? GSN? Not on the system. All of the other niche channels that Disney didn't want are not on the satellite TV system. No HBO? No Showtime? No NFL Network? This sucks.

I flip on the Internet radio to see if I could listen to my favorite stations. Disney blocked every one from the real world. No Groove Radio. No iPartyRadio. No Energy 98. Nothing but stale pop song radio station simulcasts on the Internet streams.

So that's what the media is like in El Zona. It's nothing but Disneyland everywhere. What did I settle for? Channel 1094 for the All My Children Episode Channel 1994. I want to see Sarah Michelle Gellar as Kendall the homewrecker before she became a vampire slayer. In a nutshell, here's what the episode synopsis for this evening looks like. I'm not sure if it's the real thing or if it's a joke soap summary but you be the judge.

Monday on AMC: Jason chases Del around PV with a chainsaw and in order to save his life, Del must do a scene from Hamlet. Will Del live? Dixie is overjoyed when Will's body comes up from the grave, but then he grabs her and pulls her into the ground. Tad tries to save her but its of no use. One of Palmer's dead chickens becomes possessed by the ghost of Colonel Sanders and chases Palmer around with a meat cleaver. Opal exhumes Dixie's brain from the grave and puts it inside Del's head but no improvement is noticed. Brooke does nothing.

Tuesday on AMC: Adam and Stuart are shocked to discover that the ghosts of Ben, Joe, and Hoss Cartwright are haunting the Chandler mansion. They'll calm down once Adam leaves Gloria alone or else they'll get Adam killed at night and do a Bonanza reunion in the eternity. Hayley is terrorized by the abominable snowman who wants his popsicle warmed up a bit. Janet and Jane split into two different people, Jane does away with Wilma and Janet deals with Laurel with an axe. Erica scares everybody off the runway when she models ... after a fast aging disease virus invades her body and she triples in age instantly.

Wednesday on AMC: The devil pops up, rapes Erica, and demands her next born child or her soul. Erica offers Kendall but the devil doesn't want any competition. Dmitri becomes a werewolf once the full moon turns blue. Mona's ghost appears and haunts Kendall until she goes nuts and winds up in the nut house. The mummy wants to give Julia some of his bandages. The wicked witch puts a spell on the Pine Valley Hospital staff and the body count mysteriously rises dramatically. Edmund's campaign takes a spooky turn for the worst when his opponent's TV and radio ads possess the transmitters and doesn't stop running.

Thursday on AMC: Dracula gets his fangs knocked out when Brooke defends herself with The Club steering wheel lock. Gloria's fetus leaves her womb, goes into the lab, hits a certain chemical combination, and materializes into FrankenFetus! It then teams with Jason and the two hunt for Adam. Gloria screams so loud that the Llanview Buchanan gang 500 miles away hear her and kidnap her for hush money. A decapitated Alec scares everybody and demands the head of Tom Cudahy. Jack chases Kendall around with a stake hoping to kill the devil.

Friday on AMC: Gloria chops off her hair but the hairball is so big it takes on a lifeform and rolls down the PV streets picking up everything including cars, people, and fire hydrants. Adam gives up on a boyish Gloria, moves to San Francisco and becomes a gay dancer. A black cat and Erica get into a catfight but the cat loses. Harold eats nuclear waste along the way back, grows to 50 ft, returns to Pine Valley, and terrorizes Janet. Edmund drops Maria for Elvira, Mistress of the Dark when El offers more clevage than Maria does. Trevor's body is snatched by an alien pod. Jack is possessed by the soul of Edgar Allen Poe, takes up a hobby in raven breeding, and nothing more.

I guess these aired around Halloween time, though I'm not sure which realm these shows are from.

More tomorrow. I'll see if I can get Dean and Jim to report on their overnight shifts then. We'll try to figure out where my old El Zona friends went then and probably do some Equimas sightseeing at Eqimas On the Prado, meet a fake Santo Pedro, and try to find an XPod that has anything but Radio Disney artists on it.

Bye.

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