Mar 24: Vernalmas Holidays: Global New Years Eve (new year begins at midnight the next day). Always March 24th.
Fridays is party night in El Zona after a hard day's work, but this day is the party of all parties, because this year, Rock and Dance Party Day falls on the Milleian New Years Eve day, so expect things in El Zona to get very wild with New Year's Eve parties going on at the same time as the Rock and Dance Parties all over the realm. This night is also special because this is the last day of the 00's decade, and the next day begins the 10's decade.
A time zone primer for the El Zona realm: there are two time zones that divide it. The Western 1/5 of San Rubio, Disneyzone, and Los Megamess lies in the Pacific Time Zone. The Eastern 4/5 of San Rubio, Midland Valley, Desertopia lies in the Mountain West Time Zone. This will be important to remember as we shall see late this evening.
This morning, Albert the scientist and Hoss the comedy music database systems operator were on the phone exchaning findings between them. Hoss told Albert how the computer virus his system caught a week ago worked to replace the songs on Hoss's music database with crappy Brian Radio pop songs. Albert told Hoss how his computer card modification would work to prevent future trojan horse attacks on a computer system such as his.
Chachi and the Little Merbabe decide to find a name for her after two years of getting by without a name.
Scotty sets up his home for the New Year's Eve party for later this night. D.T. fields party invites on the Internet. Later in the day, D.T. and Scotty deliver hundreds of comedy CD-Rs to Albert's lab. Albert told them that the CD-Rs would help him test his computer card invention on Hoss's computer system once Albert can get his card to work without causing a system crash.
Alyssa and Carlotta start their first afternoon talk show at 3pm Pacific and have yet to come up with a subject or a guest to use to begin their show.
The four butch lesbians finish setting up the fireworks display behind the castle in the Mount La Goony mountains.
Carl tries to break into the castle, but alert guards policing the castle turn some trained dobermans loose and chase Carl away from the castle.
Russell and the boss of the castle agree on a dollar amount to extort from the city and the couple of Wendy and Jennifer in exchange for the release of Mindy. The boss watches some lame-brained daytime TV show and sees an ad for the debut of a new local FM talk show hosted by Alyssa and Carlotta. The boss plans to call in for his demand during the show.
Outside the castle, Carl comes back and sees the dobermans coming towards him. Carl throws rocks at the dogs. The dogs retreat, yelping back inside the castle and into the basement. Carl enters the castle demanding to see the head of the castle and saying that he has information about Mindy he should know about.
Unbeknownst to a small key elite crowd in El Zona, a y2k patch for the computers that have still not been upgraded to meet y2k compliance is set to expire at midnight, and there is no plans for an extension. Some are still running Windopes 3.1 and Windopes 95 as well as obscure operating systems such as CP/U and OD2. What the problem is for computers that are not y2k compliance is simple to understand. Back in the old days of computers, the years in the database as well as the operating systems recognized the last two digits of the year in order to save valuable memory which was expensive in the 60s, or excuse me, 1960s. Most of the programs and operating systems were written as if the year 2000 would never arrive. Well, ten years ago tomorrow, the y2k bug hit the computers in El Zona hard, so hard that it crashed the entire realm, causing the year to become 1900, throwing airplanes, credit cards, and anything else depending on a four-digit year to misinterperate the years in the database as the years 00 through 99. The computers were simply doing what they thought was right. The year 00 didn't come after the year 99; it was the other way around. Since there was no Windopes 98 invented for the El Zona realm, every computer operating system and program crashed, hung up, or displayed incorrect years such as 19100 instead of 2000. Albert and a posse of engineers and scientists had to frantically come up with a y2k patch quickly and have every computer using the OSs and programs ten years ago that would change how the computer thought of the year 00 so that the years 00-09, read as a0-a9, would come after the 90-99 decade. Albert set the year range to 10, with an urgent message to the owners of computers to upgrade their computers to whatever is y2k compliant within the first five years, especially for computer firms that process credit cards and drivers licenses. Well, most of them did, but there is a small unvocal minority that seemed to have forgotten the fact that the y2k patch is set to expire after this evening ends. Which ones would be affected?
Anyway, Carl somehow convinced the boss to enter the castle. Carl tells the boss that Mindy is really a boy named Mandy and that Mindy has taken possession of his body and turning him into a girl. The boss says that it's pure nonsense and doesn't believe him. Russell also believes that Mindy is a girl.
The boss calls in to the Alyssa and Carlotta radio show once it began at 3pm. The boss, whose phone number identity is blocked and spoofed by software, tells the female hosts that he has information about the whereabouts of pretty little Mindy and that he wants $1,000,000 in exchange for Mindy's release. Carl says that he will happily take her once the money is made since he is the father, but Mindy tells the boss that Carl tried to kidnap her from her real parents. The boss tells them to shut up while he's on the phone. Wendy, the adoptive mather (mother + father) of Mindy, calls in to the radio show while the boss is on the phone and host Alyssa lets Wendy talk with the boss. Wendy pleads to not let anybody harm her, but the boss says that he can't guarantee that won't happen. Carl gets on the phone and tells Wendy that she doesn't deserve to be a parent because she is a feman freak who made his son a giroy freak like her and threatens to take possession of her once the money is delivered. Wendy pleads with the boss and tells him that Carl is an escaped convict from prison and should be returned there. The boss tells Wendy that he has nothing in it for him to send Carl back and might as well just let him leave as he sees fit. Wendy tells the boss that Carl hates femen and giroys since they're a third logical sexual identity. The boss is finally convinced that Mindy is a giroy and, thinking that shemales are more valuable, he ups the demand to $2,000,000 for her release. Alyssa interrupts them and tells them that they would have to ask the listeners to come up with that kind of money by pooling in their resources. The boss says that he has one week to come up with $2,000,000 or else he will keep her as a sex slave. Then he hangs up.
The creepy looking man tells the boss that he's having problems upgrading his computer system for y2k+10. The boss looks at the creepy looking man and demands that he should have upgraded ten years ago and that if the computer crashes at midnight, very bad things would happen to him.
Russell, the assistant, decides to follow the creepy looking man to the computer room and find out what's being coded wrong in the patch for the computer that uses an OS so obscure that nobody else knows it exists, which was why there was no y2k patch for this computer operating system.
Now, we have another clue. The computer operating system inside the castle. What does it do? What does it mean? What would happen if midnight comes?
Carl tells the boss that Mindy is not a giroy but a boy, but the boss says that there are many sexes. Carl decides to prove that Mindy is a boy by calling a Los Megamess-based syndicated talk show host that was also on at the same time as Alyssa's radio show. Carl wants to prove to the boss that there is no such thing as a third sex. Tom Leycuss will prove it for him.
Radio: 103.47 is He-FM. Radio for guys.
Radio: (queue Enter Sandman by Metalicca).
Radio Announcer: From Los Megamess...it's the Tom Leycuss Show. And now...here is is! Tom Leycuss!
Tom: "Thank you for tuning in to the Tom Leycuss radio show. This is the show where we talk about the issues that you....REALLY like to talk about! It's a different kind of radio program. This is the program that is not hosted by a right wing loony or a convicted felon. No! I am your host. Write down this toll-free number. You're going to need it. It's 1-8000-5-8000-Tom. 1-8000-5-8000-866. Wide open telephones. We can talk about any friggin' thing you want to talk about as long as it's exciting or else our screener will kick you off the air. Carl from Mount La Goony, you're on the Tom Leycuss Show. Hello."
Carl: "Heloooooo Tom!"
Tom: "Hello. Carl."
Carl: "Listen, Tom, I have a big problem you're not going to belive."
Tom: "Well, I thought that my screener went a bit nuts, which is why I took your call."
Carl: "OK, Tom. Here's the deal. I have a son who thinks that he's a third gender freak."
Tom: "Oh NO!"
Carl: "He thinks he's a girl, yet he has a male part that is on all boys."
Tom: "As all boys do, and by definition, a male part means that it's a boy."
Carl: "Well, my son, I'll call Sue, as in a boy named Sue, thinks he's like one of his sisters always wanting to play with the girls, refusing to play with the boys, always dressing up like a girl, acting like one, always acting as if some evil girl devil has taken over my son's body."
Tom: "This sounds like a disaster."
Carl: "Well, Tom, I have Sue listening to the show and I want you to tell Sue the truth about what Sue is."
Tom: "Well, Carl, just turn on the radio in 20 seconds and I'll tell Sue the truth. Just hang on to the phone."
Carl: "I'll stay on. Just go ahead and give it to him straight."
Tom: "A boy named Sue? This is Tom. Listen. We want you to leave Mandy's boy body and to go back to wherever the hell you came from. You're turning Mandy into a pussy. There is no room in this world for sissy boys. Nobody will hire them. No girl will date them. No boy will get along with them. You know what you are, Sue? You're a nobody. A nothing. Boy up and let Mandy have his body back. We don't like you, Sue. Third sexes don't exist. Only two sexes exist. You know what they are? Boys and girls. There are no third sexes."
Mindy: "F--k you, Tom!"
Carl: "Whoa! My son has a tart tongue!"
Tom: "I think that Sue is going to need a little more convincing that she belongs as a boy and not a girl."
Carl: "I need some support, Tom. Help me man up this girly boy."
Tom: "Hang on a second, Carl. Another caller, Rob wants to talk with you. Hello, Rob."
Rob: "Helloooooo Tom!"
Tom: "Hello, Rob."
Rob: "How's it going?"
Tom: "Do you freakin' care?"
Rob: "F--k, yeah, I care."
Tom: "Sorry I had to bleep you because the FCC won't allow that word to be heard on the radio, but I'm doing great, pal. Go ahead and talk to Carl."
Rob: "Hey, Carl?"
Carl: "Hey, Rob. Help me out."
Rob: "Carl, you need to take off Sue's dress and her panties right now."
Carl: "Hey, boss, take off Sue's dress and her panties."
The boss takes a screaming Mindy off of the chair, and with the help of two guards, strip Mindy naked. The guards hold Mindy upright and unable to move her arms and legs.
Carl: "The boss has stripped Sue naked."
Rob: "Now, touch the bottom part of your son. What is it? It is a p-nis and t-sticles. Now I want you to go over to Sue and point them out to her and tell her that Sue is a boy because she has a p-nis and t-sticles. This proves that Sue is a boy and not a girl or a third sex."
Carl: "Thank you for removing any doubt that I have that Sue is really a boy named Mandy. I am convinced that I have a son and not a fifth daughter."
Rob: "Carl, this is a message to you and all of the fathers who are listening to Tom Leycuss. Tom is the man's man. He's the father every boy should have. Fathers, don't let your boys stray off into pussy land. Man up, and get your sons to boy up or else you will lose them by the time they reach puberty and end up on a course to disaster."
Carl: "Rob, thank you."
Tom: "Rob and Carl, thank you."
Carl hangs up and turns off the radio. Carl tells the boss that this proves that Mindy is a boy named Mandy as he can clearly see as a naked Israeli boy with long dark hair down to the chest. The boss tells Carl that he says that he has another angle to his demand and promises Carl that if he doesn't get the $10,000,000 (he raised the price), then his son is his and his workers will help him and Mindy escape into oblivion forever.
The boss calls Alyssa on the radio and tells her that his stake has gone way up and is now demanding $10,000,000 or else Mindy will be turned into a boy against her wishes forever. Alyssa tells the boss that it may take more than a week, like a month, but the boss says that he has no reason to extend the date and demands $10,000,000 by 5pm of next Friday, then hangs up.
Carl says that he wants Mindy dressed as a boy and cut his hair, but the boss says that he can dress Mindy as a boy, but not to touch the hair. Carl agrees. Mindy cries and is sad that she looks like a boy instead of a girl. Carl tells Mindy that it's too bad that her freaky parent won't be coming back to her ever again. Mindy tells Carl to go to hell. Carl almost slaps her, but the boss intercepts and shows Carl out of the castle, demanding that Carl not come near Mindy as he's afraid that he would kill Mindy and his hopes for a $10,000,000 ransom to be posted by next Friday evening.
Later that evening, Albert, Hoss, D.T., Carl, Scotty, Chachi, and the Little Merbabe, greet Alyssa and Carlotta to Scotty's New Year's Eve party, and telling them that they did a good job hosting their radio show.
Carlotta said that she got a phone call from somebody who listened to Tom Leycuss's radio show on He-FM and told her that Carl, who failed to use a fake name, told Tom about a child that very much described the giroy Mindy, but referred to her as Sue. Carlotta tells Wendy and Jennifer about the caller who called in to Leycuss's radio show, and suspects that it could be the Carl that kidnapped Mindy. Jennifer does a p2p search for mp3s of the same day's Leycuss radio show to download so she and Wendy can hear Carl who called in and could tell if it's the same Carl that fathered Mindy, whom they later adopted after Carl lost custody due to a hate crime committed against Mindy. Wendy and Jennifer said that they can't join in the party's festivities since they're not in the mood. Carlotta said that, next Monday, she would phone in Westgood One and ask for a copy of Leycuss's Friday broadcast as possible evidence for possible use in a court of law.
At the castle, the boss, Russell, the creepy looking man, and the castle workers frantically try to get a y2k+10 patch ready by midnight Mountain West Time, which is 11pm Pacific Time. Nearby the castle, the four butch lesbians find some hot fem lesbians to party with for some drinking, sex, and loud folk music.
As the clock seemed to hurriedly tick towards midnight, the castle workers had one last chance to install the final version of the y2k+10 patch for the decade, minutes before the old patch expires.
At Scotty's house, the crew and the invitees partied to techno beats, got drunk, and had lots of safe sex.
Oh, and all this time, many of the music-based radio stations, most of which are still not y2k compliant, relied on software that would import the playlists and songs of them from the Radio Brian-infested music databases to provide them with outsourced music programming and voice-tracked deejaying (since the radio stations in El Zona were too cheap to have live music deejays anymore.) The city's intercoms were playing Brian Radio pop tunes all over the city, now entering the second week of torture on the citizen's intelligence.
On TV, the local channels were counting down the seconds for the Mountain West Time zone in the community of Weird Al Pine, home of the Corny Indian and Gaminig Casino where the New Years Eve party was taking place, about 10 miles west of the lesbian party in the hills.
The clock in the Mountain West time zone ticks.
10 - 9 - 8 - 7 - 6 - 5 - 4 - 3 - 2 - 1 - ...
To be continued.
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