Day 2: We Blew It Sky High (March 18, 2006, Blue 24, 2009)

With just three days to go until Equimas, Saturday and Sunday in El Zona proved to be one of the busiest shopping weekends of the season. Malls, shopping centers, and other stores were packed with last minute Equimas gift buyers, even though there was no Equimas music (or Christmas music doctored to become Equimas music) playing on any of the cities' intercoms. Instead of Brian/Brianne safe music radio, the intercoms were silenced while shoppers bought stuff without the bad music to distract their attention.

Several radio stations dumped the Brian/Brianne music formats and went into one of the subformats of talk radio. There were some creative ideas. One was talk radio for geeks, though they couldn't find any geek music to play in the realm's music database. One was devoted to male-to-female transgender talk. One was devoted to all atheism topics. One reformatted into an all Santo Pedro activity channel, tracking every move by Santo Pedro, who was two nights away from bringing Equimas gifts to all. One was devoted to finding the mystery of Brian/Brianne Radio and findiing out the story behind the takeover of radio by Brian/Brianne and its soundalike popular music formats.

The rest who didn't have any ideas were stuck playing Brian Radio formatted brands as many stations had so few employees that they had no choice but to play Brian Radio formats. They couldn't go off the air or they would lose money, but with that kind of safe playlist, listeners left in droves and their instant ratings took a dive below a 0.1 rating, causing the advertisers for those Brian stations to seek refunds for their adtime that was listened to by about 20-30 listeners at most.

I and Scotty decided to go back to the realm of the San Diego Outland and pick up some of my comedy music MP3s for radio stations in the El Zona realm to play.

We hit a snag as we tried to drive the Torino. Apparently, we blew the transmission. The damn transmission would not engage with the engine. We had to call in a tow truck, but we were put on hold for 50 minutes and was forced to wait through Brian Radio Teen blaring through the telephone with unimaginative songs of Ne-Yo, Sean Paul, James Blunt, Daniel Powter, T-Pain, Slim Thug, Dem Franchize, and Chris Brown. This was as bad as Clear Channel CHR radio. This is how bad CHR is today in the year of 2006 Gregorian Year. Hitman Haze of Channel 933 must be in a daze for polluting our teenage listeners in the San Diego Outland with bad music like this.

Anyway, the tow truck finally came in and we had it towed to Fred's Automotive Repair Palace, the biggest car repair place in the entire San Rubio county, and guess what? Their intercoms were playing Brian Radio Ryan Seacrest Country. This was worse than Brokeback Mountain music. This music was for chicks and wimpy non-gay males only, you know, what US 95.7 plays in San Diego.

It seems that Brian Radio has done what Jack hasn't been able to do: come up with a brand that's somehow so influentive, for lack of a better word to decribe the cruddy musical playlists, that Brian has taken over every broadcasting radio station, every public intercom, every locally-originating Internet radio station, every on-hold music sevice for business telephone systems, every jukebox, every f--king music medium in the El Zona realm.

Welcome to Brian Radio Hell folks. Stick around. It's bound to get worse. We're stuck in El Zona with a dead transmission and forced to listen to f--king Brian Radio music everywhere we go!

While we were waiting, Scotty turned on his portable computer hooked up to a free wi-fi network, and decided to search for the South Park closet episode that everybody was talking about in the real world realm. You know. That episode where Tom Cruise and John Travolta went into the closet and wouldn't come out. That same show made fun of the Scientology cult mentioning some of the elements in the show. That show was to have been rerun on Comedy Central this past Wednesday, but guess what, the network chickened out and showed the Chef's Salty Balls episode instead. I don't know if Tom Cruise had anything to do with that for sure since none of the news sources could confirm, but I guess we won't be watching any movies featuring Scientologists, as that cult is banned in the El Zona realm.

We downloaded what we thought was a South Park closet MPEG file, but when we opened it up on the movie player, this is what was shown instead for 30 minutes!

DUE TO EL ZONA DE LOS MISTERIO LAWS BANNING THE USE OF COPYRIGHTED RELIGIONS SUCH AS SCIENTOLOGY AND OTHER CULTS THAT CANNOT BE FREELY DISCUSSED OR DISPENSED WITHOUT LAWYER INTERVENTION, WE ARE NOT ALLOWING ANYBODY TO DOWNLOAD ANY SCIENTOLOGY-RELATED AUDIO, VIDEO, OR TEXT TO BE DIGESTED BY RESIDENTS OF EL ZONA.

Say what? El Zona has banned a religious cult? They can do that? We researched and found that there are indeed laws banning Scientology in the El Zona realm in order to protect their inhabitants from the influence of copyrighted sciptures that could get them into legal trouble by the roving lawyers looking for a lawsuit to strip anybody discussing Scientology publicly of their belongings.

Holy s--t! This is a completely draconian way to ban a religion. We have countries in the real world banning certain religions and cults from their countries for varying reasons, but I guess Tom Cruise won't have any of his movies shown in the El Zonian test movie outlets anymore.

We googled for Scientology sites from the real world and found out that all of the queries for it from the El Zonian realm are blocked by the government. This is like China's public not being able to search freely for government information.

If you think that the Vernalmas Holiday season is nothing but a vacation, think again. It's bound to get worse.

And it does. The mechanic told us that we need a new car. The Torino's tramsmission is so old that it can't be repaired or replaced. There is no place to get a 35-year-old transmission model replaced. So I and Scotty called on our crew, Albert, Hoss, and Chachi, and we got ourselves a Yee-Haul rental truck. We uninstalled our equipment from the Torino and plaeed them into the truck. We got the realm machine with the digital cathode tube fixture that helped us travel between realms into a special bubble-wrapped box to preserve the machine. We hooked up the Torino onto the truck and towed it out to the scrap heap and paid $100 for the men to dispose of the car since the old Torino could not be recycled at all.

I and the gang went back to Scotty's home and decided to search for a new fast car on the internet. We found one we thought was a beauty. It was a 2005 Chrysforlet Earnhardtian, named after the late race car driver Dale Earnhardt. This model featured six headlights with two of them for high-speed, sleek angled roofline aerodynamics design, extra bright taillights, vertically-opening doors (the ones that go up to open and down to close, eight air vents, 5.1 channel speakers, controls on the steering wheel and driver's side door, seats seven, an automatic transmission with six speeds forward and two speeds for reverse, 600 horsepower, a 4.6-liter, all-steel V8 engine, super power brakes and handling, and all kinds of other stuff.

We couldn't afford one, so we decided to pool together and ask Santo Pedro for one on Equimas eve. We went to the Santo Pedro website and entered our Equimas wish, telling him that this is all we really need and nothing else for Equimas. One hour later, a mysterious man knocked on our door, we answered, and the man showed us the 2005 Chrysforlet Earnhardtian car we asked for one hour ago. The man handed us the keys and registration (it was registered for San Pedro county) and told us that Santo Pedro wished us a Merry Equimas and a Happy New Milleian Year. Then he left.

I and the men decided to fix up the new car with our realm machine with the digital cathode tube but we found out that the center compartment where our it went in our late old Torino model would not quite fit into the new car. We used to place it under the front seat in the old car, but with the new car, there was only two inches available for the realm machine to fit, and the one we had was three inches high. So, Albert the scientist went back to his lab and came back with a sleeker model that was one inch high and took up half the imprint, but the fuel tank could be stored separately in the trunk instead as part of the machine. We took out the dashboard and mounted the realm machine switches and fuel tank gauge onto it. We mounted the realm machine under the driver's side part of the front seat. We mounted the fuel tank into the trunk. We ran the wires and pipes between the three machines together. We tested it out. The realm machine could warm up three times as fast as the old realm machine could, but the newer realm machine needed a different fuel to run it. Since it was getting too hard to make the special fuel of the future (from five years ago) because part of it used fossil fuels and it cost too much to make it.

Albert said that he invented the fuel that works with it, but it's a combination of natural sources and other stuff that we can't discuss here, but the result is that it burns cleaner and lasts longer than anything made of fossil fuels. We tried it out, and the realm machine had no unpleasant odors like the old fuel for the old machine did.

So, with that, we decided to go back to the San Diego realm to get some comedy music MP3 CD-Rs for us to listen to instead of the Brian Radio crap that's everywhere.

We drove onto highway 125 with our Earnhardtian, or excuse me, this is Scotty's car, not mine, as it's registered into his name. Anyway, we got up to 88 mph in only 10 seconds instead of 27 from the old Torino, we flipped on the digital cathode tube, it warmed up in only three seconds, and in a flash, we were back into the San Diego real world.

I got out 100 of my surplus comedy music MP3 CD-Rs from my house, and we drove back into the El Zona realm. We popped them into our MP3 CD-R players, and finally had some decent music we could listen to.

This month, we have new music from Alex Whitmore, Wendell Ferguson, Worm Quartet, and Jeff Daniels.

So on this Saturday night, we got out Chachi's collection of Buffy the Vampire Slayer (because he has a crush on Sarah Michelle Gellar) and watched the reruns on DVD until we got too drunk and passed out.

After all this work, we decided to finish our Equimas shopping the next day.

Navigate To Another Page!