It was early Friday morning when I hopped aboard the old 1970 Torino and made my second trip to the realm of El Zona in a month, this time, to get away for Vernalmas Holiday break, which is two weeks of the real holiday season we celebrate when spring arrives and it really feels like the new year when fall-winter of the previous year finally ends.
I drove down the stretch of state highway 125 and flipped on the digital cathode tube. When the car got up to 88 mph, I vanished through a warp hole to enter the realm of El Zona. Little did I know that I was in for a rude awakening over yonder.
I arrived in the realm about 9:27am that morning and entered the city of El Zono Loco, a suburb of the county of San Rubio in the valley just east of the time zone divide as we enter Midland Valley on I-108. I drive around the city until I reach the Comedy Music Worldwide Ministries Headquarters near the city.
Hoss, the owner of the business, was throwing an Equimas office party for his employees to kick off the Vernalmas holiday season. Attending the party were our friends Scotty and Chachi; there were als the three lady roommates Alyssa, Carlotta, The Little Merbabe joining in; there were Wendy and Jennifer, the married hermaphrodite and female couple who had since adopted an Isreali transgender girl who had escaped her parents (more on that later); Albert the scientist and his wife Beverly were attending;
The whole realm was filled with Vernalmas holiday decorations all over as usual, with images of Santo Pedro and his flying buffalo displayed on many houses and other images of the holiday season. There were plenty of Equimas bushes decorated with lights and other stuff.
The intercoms were blasting out comedy Equimas holiday music, which there is no such thing as, but rather, Christmas or Hanukkah music, substituting words and symbols of Equimas for similar items mentioned in the holiday carols. Either way, they were fun to listen to.
We were having fun when the clock struck NOON, but all of a sudden, the comedy Equimas holiday music...stopped!
Hoss figured that his computer that supplied the music had crashed, so he sent some engineers to check out the computer inside the basement where hundreds of thousands of comedy music was stored in the system.
Oh, let me explain what this means. The computer system in the basement of the Comedy Music ministry supplied music to hundreds of radio stations broadcasting throughout the El Zona realm. Some of the radio stations that were getting music from the computer system in the ministry were silenced when the music stopped, causing some of the radio station engineers to frantically replace the dead air with alternate programming such as dance, comedy, synth, classical, folk, bluegrass, blues, or other forms of music that were very popular with the music fans in El Zona, but were completely eschewed by big radio corporations such as Clear Channel and CBS Radio in the real world.
The engineers came back upstairs and told Hoss that all of the music in the computer system has disappearred mysteriously. Nobody could figure out what caused the music to vanish. The computer had no more comedy music files in the system. Everybody in the office party were saddened.
Then, all of a sudden, the most horrific sounds ever created by man began playing through the intercoms.
"Hi," says the low-toned announcer. "This is Brian. Welcome to Brian Radio. Playing What You Should Hear." And with that, the intercom started blasting out some music that were created by small minds: CHR pop, corporate rap, female-friendly country, noisy metal-rock, chick soft rock, old top 10 hits from years past as ranked in Billbored Magazine, and all else that is bad about music.
The party goers were panicking. They cursed, wondering "Who the f--k is Brian," and "Brian is full of s--t for playing this garbage."
Hoss had his staff to turn off the intercoms citywide, apologizing to the party goers for playing lame pop from acts such as Maroon 6, Lindsay Lohan, and She Wants Revenge to name three.
Heard of San Diego radio lately? Tom Leykis recently told his worldwide audience that "San Diego Radio Sucks" earlier this month. Now imagine that music terrorizing the music fans in El Zona. People are panicking in the streets of El Zono Loco and surrounding cities. This is just the beginning of the takeover of radio by Brian Radio.
After 4pm, Brian Radio had engulfed every broadcaster in the El Zona region. No more bluegrass, techno, children's, etc. Instead, many brands of Brian Radio were taking over the broadcasting sticks mysteriously. The radio folks were getting upset. Their favorite folk station was turned into a hip hop/rap station. Their favorite techno station was turned into a soft pop station. Comedy music was replaced by CHR. Dance was replaced by female country. There were Brian Radio for CHR, Brian Classics for 70s-90s pop music, Brianne Country for chick country, Brianne Love for soft pop, etc. etc.
If you thought Jack-FM sucked, you haven't heard how much all of the Brian and Brianne Radio brands sucked. Music so bad that kid's IQs would drop in a heartbeat if even one tuned in and heard flat-voiced Hillary Duff try to sing something that's supposed to be a song. High-class kids would turn into low-class slobs when they heard hip hop and rap that's on almost 25 percent of the area stations realmwide. Middleage males fed up with radio would just turn the moron boxes off. Females who listened would have unrelastic expections of romance and love.
Dude, radio is f--ked up in El Zona, right there!
Fed up with what radio was playing, unable to hear our favorite music, we turned off the radios.
We spent the rest of the day not listening to any radio since there wasn't any radio to listen to except for programming with no intelligent signs of life whatsoever in the realm of El Zona de los Misterio.
I, Chachi, and Scotty went out on a triple date with Alyssa, Carlotta, and the Little Merbabe and hit the town of NoWay in the middle of the San Rubio county. We took I-415 up north from El Zono and zoomed up to the city directly north of it.
We went to one of the bars for some fun, but the jukebox was silenced. Why? The owner of the bar told us that since the jukebox interfaced with the El Zona music database that serves all of the local broadcasters, the jukebox could play only whatever the music database had, and unfortunately, it was music as heard on all of the Brian/Brianna Radio brands in the realm. No country comedy. No Johnny Cash. No Rodney Carrington. Just chick-flavored country heard on Clear Channel. Boring!
So we decided to find some bands that could supply some live music to the bar to liven things up since no music (or anything that's supposed to be music) could be gotten from the El Zona music database.
Chachi got onto the stage and asked the patrons in the bar if anybody could sing some country music men like to hear. We got a few here and there, and so, even though they were a bit off-key, timing was a bit out of whack, and the lyrics didn't rhyme, the listeners applauded the amateur country musicians, for they were better than what was playing at US 95.7 in San Diego at any given moment anyway.
Sometime close to midnight, some drunk came over and tried to disrupt things by turning on the jukebox to hear Black Eyed Peas singing something about a hump. When that song started blaring out, some of the beefier patrons grabbed the drunk by the neck, threw him out, and turned off the blasted Brian Radio jukebox, or should we call it a pukebox since it was nothing but pop music s--t anyway.
After midnight, we decided to call it a day and left the bar. We returned the ladies back to their pad, Chachi went back home, and I stayed over at Scotty's place for the night.
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