On Equimas Eve, I arrive via the realm-warp capable Torino, which now everybody wants ever since that blasted "Starsky and Hutch" movie came out and it was almost carjacked several times in the past month. Good thing this car can still spew out unbreathable leaded smog, since it still takes leaded gas (it's pre-1974), and I have to add a lead additive every time I fill up when I drive.
Anyway, I went driving up and down on the new stretch of 125 and flipped on the digital cathode tube and got up to 87 mph, when the Highway Patrol cops pulled up and demanded that I pull over for speeding. Ignoring their wishes, I inched up to 88 mph and vanished through a warp hole just in the nick of time. There's a whole bunch of them along 125, many of which were created by clusters of ghosts of homes that were displaced to make room for the freeway. Now that I escaped to El Zona, I have to disguise the car since it now has an APB by the state for police evasion. I'll figure it out as this fake embellished tale of my travel into the realm of El Zona is told.
I arrived at about 3:27pm when the car landed into the El Zona realm and drove through an "X" junction where I drove onto state 127 and headed 27 miles back up north to the city of El Zono Loco where I met up with my old residents, Chachi and Scotty, who were talking with Hoss about a possible run for the King of El Zona to overthrow the corrupt county government.
The house and the streets leading to it were filled with Vernalmas holiday decorations all over, with images of Santo Pedro and his flying buffalo displayed on many houses and other images of the holiday season.
D.T.: Hi guys. Happy Holidays.
Scotty: Ay, Dave. Wazzup?
Hoss: Knock off the wazzup, it went out with Ricky Martin years ago.
Chachi: It's been five years since Ricky Martin already? My how time flies when we're listening to Britney Spears.
D.T.: Where's the Equimas bush?
Scotty: There's been a fire this past season in the outback part of the county. The Caesar Fire burned up all of the little Equimas bushes last October, so there's no Equimas bushes to decorate.
Chachi: Except for the fake Equimas bushes at Dead Mart and Plight Front general stores.
Hoss: We got a fake aluminim bush last week, but some kids stole it and recycled it!
D.T.: Why can't we import the bushes?
Scotty: Too expensive. The outside importers want $3,000 for a stupid three-foot bush.
Hoss: Those greedy bastards! They're spoiling the holiday spirit.
Lenny: ffck tmmm.
D.T.: Oh, hi Lenny. I thought you were dead.
Lenny: I wss mmm dbbl.
D.T.: Oh. Anyway, what's with the King campaign?
Chachi: Scotty is running for the King of El Zona in an election recall.
D.T.: Huh?
Scotty: Yes, that's me. I'm going to kick the fuhrer party out of office!
D.T.: Fill me in on what's been happening since October? What party?
Scotty: You see, at the time you went back to San Diego and we went back to El Zona 2003, the Caesar Fire started somewhere near Ramone City.
Hoss: After some 270,000 acres burned and many thousand homes were destroyed, the experts, whoever they are, pinpointed where the fire started, and the inspectors found a shorted MP3 player.
D.T.: What? You're kidding!
Chachi: The fire experts, so-called because they were appointed by the fuhrer party...
D.T.: Is that their real name?
Chachi: No, their name is the Rosen Party, named after the hated RIAA ex-chief Hilary Rosen. What scum!
Scotty: So, the quote-unquote experts reported it to the King of El Zona, Day Grayvis, decided to ban all MP3s from the county of El Zona.
D.T.: This is insane!
Hoss: You bet your sweet ass it's insane! I can't listen to my Hilary Duff MP3 collection anymore!
Chachi: That's right, you have to buy a $45 CD in order to listen to music since so many people downloaded the songs for free that it drove the price of music way up there!
D.T.: So what happened to the people who downloaded and shared the MP3s?
Chachi: They got sent to the Where Prison, where the prisoners are being tortured with endless hip hop and teen pop records. Why can't Sting do an Amnesty El Zona concert to get them freed by the protesters or something like it?
Scotty: Because the scum Rosen party won't budge! They won't allow anyone to possess an MP3 in any form or an MP3 player, all because of some stupid fire that destroyed 1/10th of the county!
D.T.: What was in the MP3 player that caused the fire? It couldn't have been that much of a spark.
Scotty: Yes, it was. A super lithium battery was mixed with a rechargable and an alkaline, and when a static spark shot out when the batteries exploded on the grass, all hell broke loose! It was like armageddon here!
D.T.: Why couldn't they just ban the batteries?
Scotty: Because the fools are convinced that the cause of the batteries exploding were somebody who desired to listen to an MP3.
D.T.: What a dufus, Day is!
Scotty: And how! The election recall is in Green month, so we got just over a month to get a recall campaign going.
Lenny: Ltts kck smmm Dy Gyfg bttt.
Chachi: Lenny, the King is not a gay fag! You could get killed by the Rosen police for saying that!
Lenny: Scrw tmmm!
Hoss: Well, enough about that. Where are we spending Equimas Day at?
Chachi: At????
Hoss: I mean where are we spending Equimas Day?
Chachi: That's better.
Scotty: Great, a grammar teacher in the house. I thought this was school vacation!
D.T.: Alright, stop it. Just what are we doing for tomorrow?
Chachi: We're guests at the palace of Professor Albert Edison and Dr. Beverly "Bones" McCoy. They've just remodled after fire soot damage and have just got it cleaned up for the Vernalmas season holiday display.
Scotty: You should see it. They even got a life-size Amtrak train and actual-size tracks.
D.T.: They can afford it?
Scotty: That's just the beginning. Pack your bags, Chachi and Lenny, we're going!
D.T.: What about you, Hoss?
Hoss: My old bag wants me to spend Equimas at home this year. Guess she doesn't feel like traveling to Pencilmania back east.
D.T.: Well, I guess the holiday won't be the same without you.
Hoss: Too bad. Welp. I gotta go. Cya. Happy holidays.
Lenny: Gt ldd.
Hoss: Yucch! Wish she would lose some pounds.
Scotty: Well, I'm packed and ready to go. Chachi?
Chachi: My stuff is still in my car. Lenny?
Lenny: Gt cndms t.
D.T.: Whatever. Let's go.
The gang walked out, when all of a sudden, a lost satelite crash landed and killed Lenny instantly.
D.T.: Yikes. Not again!
Scotty: Well, I guess Lenny can't get a break around here.
Chachi: Wait a minute. I thought Lenny was killed before the Sep 11 terrorist attacks?
Scotty: Was he resurrected by Al Queda or something?
Chachi: Who knows. Let's blow out of here!
And so, the three of them travel over to the palace of Albert and Beverly. At the front of the palace, an Amtrak train collapsed when it ran over a faulty railline while displays of Santo Pedro taking away presents from King Day Grayvis for being a bad King were displayed to make a political statement. The gang entered the premises and Albert welcomed them in. They spent Equimas Eve eating up too many snacks while watching Albert's DVD collection of "What's Happening!"
They spent the early evening decorating the expensive Equimas Ice Bush they bought from Southernfees for a cool million dollars they won on "Who Wants To Steal a Million Dollars!" on UBC-TV. The Equimas Ice Bush is composed entirely of expensive diamonds that glow in a full rainbow spectrum of colors when decorated with lights. The reflection is magnified when the shiny balls are also put up. Legend has it that the concentration is so strong that it can literally stop traffic cold, but we'll see more than that happen as this adventure is told.
After playing poker and getting drunk until about 10pm, the gang finally turn in, looking forward for Santo Pedro and his flying buffalo to come down the chimney and give them the Equimas gifts they asked him for.
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