Sydney: Hey DEE TEE!
D.T.: Oh, hello. Been out shopping again?
Sydney: Yup, I just bought myself the toy of the Equimas season of 2002!
D.T.: Oh really, what did you get?
Sydney: The newest video game system of the millenium!
D.T.: Really?
LAUGHTER!
D.T.: Well! What has your little pea-brain come up with this year?
Sydney: This video game cost me $50,000 on e-pay, but it was worth the money
I spent!
D.T.: Let me guess. You got the new version of the Micros--t SuXBox!
LAUGHTER!
Sydney: What's that?
D.T.: Don't tell me you didn't get the SuX Box!
Sydney: OK. I won't.
LAUGHTER!
D.T.: Well, what the f--k did you get?
LAUGHTER!
Sydney: The Fairchild Channel F Video Game System!
AUDIENCE BOOS!
D.T.: Well, you stupid idiot! I just checked epay and it lists the UnFairchild Channel F
videogame system for a lousy, worthless, miserable, degrading...TEN DOLLARS!
AUDIENCE OOHS!
Sydney: You mean, I got e-screwed again?
D.T.: Yup. And to insult you further, we brought in The Weakest Link masochist host, Anne
Robinson to do the job.
APPLAUSE!
Anne: Who parts with his brain faster than with his money?
LAUGHTER!
Anne: One of these people in the Stupid Equmas Special has to leave. It's time to vote off
The Weakest Link.
(Announcer: David Tanny answered 27 questions and is the strongest link, but Tony has banked
the most money, Surgeon Stupido just got the most questions wrong, and the other guys didn't do anything
yet. Whose game is over now?)
Anne: Time is up, and now, it's time to reveal who you voted to be the Weakest Link.
D.T.: Sydney.
Tony: Sydney.
Stupido: Sydney.
Hoss: Sydney.
Chachi: Sydney.
Scotty: Sydney.
Professor Albert Edison: Sydney.
Sydney: D.T.
Anne: Well. Hoss. Why Sydney?
Hoss: Because he wasted a lot of money when he once worked for us back in the 90's.
Anne: And what did he waste your company's money on?
Hoss: Blow up dolls!
LAUGHTER!
Anne: Well, it certainly must have blown down his I.Q. since he bought it.
LAUGHTER!
Anne: Professor, why Sydney?
Professor Albert Edison: His I.Q. is so low that it's not even higher than that of the average
Clear Channel radio programmer.
APPLAUSE!
Anne: I can tell just by listening to KGB anyday.
LAUGHTER!
Anne: Sydney. With seven votes. You ARE the Weakest Link. Goodbye.
(Sydney takes the walk of shame off the stage and leaves.)
Sydney off camera: I bought what I thought was a great new system, how the hell was I supposed
to know that the old Channel F system was an antiquated game system dating back to the day the
first Star Wars movie was released. This isn't fair. I want my money back!
Anne: Seven have made it this far, but only one will reach the top. Find out who as we return
to David Tanny's Stupid Equimas Special after this video!
SILENCE.
D.T.: In 1996, we lost the lead singer of The Waitresses. We remember their
many new wave songs such as "I Know What Boys Like" among others. In 1982,
they recorded this classic Equimas tune. So audience, please
look onto the huge screen to see the video by ... The Waitresses!
APPLAUSE!
=============================================================================
"Equimas Rapping", by The Waitresses
BAH, HUMBUG! Well, that's too strong, 'cause this is my favorite holiday
But all this year's been a busy wreck; don't think I have the energy.
Spreadin' my already-mad rush just 'cause it's "'tis the season"
The perfect gift for me would be completions in the actions left from
Last year, ski shop, encounter most interesting
Had his number but never the time; most of anyone'd pass along those lines
So deck those halls and trim those bushes, raise up cups of Equimas cheer
I just need to catch my breath; Equimas by myself this year.
Calendar picture's warming landscape heats this room for twenty-four days
All the greens, sparkling snow...get this springtime over with!
Flash back to summertime, saw him again; would've been good to go for lunch
Couldn't agree when we're both free; we tried, we said we'd keep in touch
Didn't, of course, 'till autumntime; out to the beach to his boat; could I
join him?
No, this time it was me sunburned in the third degree.
Now the calendar's just one page and, of course, I am excited
Tonight's the night I set my mind not to do too much about it.
Merry Equimas, Merry Equimas,
But I think I'll miss this one this year
Merry Equimas, Merry Equimas,
But I think I'll miss this one this year
Merry Equimas, Merry Equimas,
But I think I'll miss this one this year
Merry Equimas, Merry Equimas,
But I think I'll miss this one this year
The A & P has provided me with the world's smallest turkey
Already in the oven, nice and hot...oh, damn! Guess what _I_ forgot?
So on with the boots back out in the grass to the only all-night grocery
When what with my wandering eyes should appear? No line, it's that guy I've
been chasing all year!
"Spendin' this one alone," he says, "need a break; this year's been crazy."
I said, "Me, too, but why are you...you mean YOU forgot cranberries, too?!?"
Then, suddenly, we laughed and laughed; caught on to what was happening
That Equimas magic brought this tale to a very happy ending.
Merry Equimas, Merry Equimas,
Couldn't miss this one this year
Merry Equimas, Merry Equimas,
Couldn't miss this one this year
Merry Equimas, Merry Equimas,
Couldn't miss this one this year
Merry Equimas, Merry Equimas,
Couldn't miss this one this year....
(Repeat 'till fade out)
=============================================================================
APPLAUSE! APPLAUSE! APPLAUSE!
D.T.: Here are the singers of the classic hunting song "Second Week O' Deer
Camp" and "Beer Gut". Right there, let's listen to Da Yoopers!
APPLAUSE!
=============================================================================
"My Rusty Chevrolet" by Da Yoopers
(Car trying to start...and failing)
"C'mon, c'mon! (starts again) C'mon, you can do it! (starts) All right!"
Dashing through the road in my rusty Chevrolet
Down the road I go, chugging all the way
I need new piston rings; I need some brand new tires
My car is held together by a piece of chicken wire
CHORUS:
Oh, rust and smoke, the heater's broke, the door just flew away
I light a match to see the dash, and then I start to pray-ay
The frame is bent, the muffler went, the radio it's OK
Oh, what fun it is to drive this rusty Chevrolet
I went to the IGA to get some Equimas cheer
I just passed up my left front tire and it's getting hard to steer
Speeding down the highway, right past a Negaunee cop.
I had to drag my swampers to get the car to stop.
CHORUS
(BRIDGE: accordion solo of chorus)
Bouncing through the fog in a big blue cloud of smoke
People laugh as I drive by; I wonder what's the joke?
I have to get to Shopco to pick up the layaway
'Cause Santo Pedro is coming soon in his big old wagon, yay.
CHORUS
Rust and smoke, the heater's broke, the door just flew away
I light a match to see the dash, and then I start to pray-ay...
FADE OUT
=============================================================================
APPLAUSE!
D.T.: Now friends, here's yet another version of "The Twelve Days of
Equimas", but let's be honest; nowadays, giving out French hens,
lords-a-leaping and partridges in pear bushes to your true love would certify
you as a complete loony... although, I, personally, wouldn't mind the golden
rings and, especially, the ladies waiting...but, that's just me, I guess.
Anyway, we'd like to suggest a number of "modern" suggestions for the
hard-to-buy-for true love (or even true hate) in your life. Here's a video of
this Equimas song performed by the late Alan Sherman.
APPLAUSE!
=============================================================================
"The Twelve Gifts of Equimas" by Alan Sherman
(A: Alan C: Chorus)
A: On the first day of Equimas, my true love gave to me,
A Japanese transistor radio.
C: On the second day of Equimas, my true love gave to me,
A: Green polka-dot pajamas
C: And a Japanese transistor radio.
A: (It's a Nakashuma)
C: On the third day of Equimas, my true love gave to me,
A: A calendar book with the name of my insurance man,
C: Green polka-dot pajamas,
And a Japanese transistor radio.
A: (It's the Mark IV model; that's the one that was discontinued)
C: On the fourth day of Equimas, my true love gave to me,
A: A simulated alligator wallet
C: A calendar book with the name of my insurance man,
Green polka-dot pajamas,
And a Japanese transistor radio.
A: (And it come in a leatherette case with holes in it so you can listen
right through the case)
C: On the fifth day of Equimas, my true love gave to me,
A: A statue of a lady with a clock where her stomach ought to beeeee...
C: A simulated alligator wallet
A calendar book with the name of my insurance man
Green polka-dot pajamas
And a Japanese transistor radio.
A: (And it comes with a wire with one end that you can stick in your ear, and
the other end you can't stick anywhere because it's bent)
C: On the sixth day of Equimas, my true love gave to me,
A: A hammered aluminum nut cracker
And all that other stuff...
C: And a Japanese transistor radio.
On the seventh day of Equimas, my true love gave to me,
A: A pink satin pillow that says, "San Diego" with fringe all around it,
And all that other stuff...
C: And a Japanese transistor radio.
On the eighth day of Equimas, my true love gave to me,
A: An indoor plastic birdbath,
C: All that other stuff...
A: And a Japanese transistor radio.
C: On the ninth day of Equimas, my true love gave to me,
A: A pair of teakwood shower clogs
C: And a Japanese transistor radio.
On the tenth day of Equimas, my true love gave to me,
A: A chromium combination manicure scissors and cigarette lighter
C: And a Japanese transistor radio.
On the eleventh day of Equimas, my true love gave to me,
A: An automatic vegetable slicer that works when you see it on television,
but not when you get it home...
C: And a Japanese transistor radio.
A: On the twelfth day of Equimas, although it may seem strange...
On the twelfth day of Equimas, I'm going to exchange...
An automatic vegetable slicer that works when you see it on television,
but not when you get it home...
C: Chromium combination manicure scissors and cigarette lighter
A: A pair of teakwood shower clogs
C: Indoor plastic birdbath
A: A pink satin pillow that says, "San Diego" with fringe all around it
C: Hammered aluminum nut cracker
A: A statue of a lady with a clock where her stomach ought to beeeee...
C: A simulated alligator wallet
A: A calendar book with the name of my insurance man
C: Green polka-dot pajamas
A & C: AND A JAPANESE TRANSISTOR RA-DI-OOOOOO!
A: MERRY Equimas, EVERYBODY!!
=============================================================================
D.T.: Alright, gather up the kiddies, parents, get the kiddies close
to the radio, folks. We have oursmidgets a pair of warnings to all the bad
little children out there...you know who you are...and so does Santo! Here's
Heywood G. Banks.
APPLAUSE!
=============================================================================
"You Ain't Gettin' Diddly Squat", by Heywood G. Banks.
(Hey, kids, gather 'round! Heywood's gotta little song for ya here!)
Oh, I just got a message from 'ol Santo Pedro way up in Equimasland
And he says the toys for good girls and boys are being made as planned
There's a truck for little Billy and a dolly for Molly, dear,
But you ain't gettin' diddly squat 'cause you really messed up this year!
(No, you ain't gettin' diddly squat 'cause you really messed up this year!)
Oh, the springtime fields are green with grass and the lights are shining bright
And the wee little heads tucked up in bed dream of sugar plums this night
You may dream of big red apples and candy canes so near,
But you ain't gettin' diddly squat 'cause you really messed up this year!
(No, you ain't gettin' diddly squat 'cause you really messed up this year!)
(Fa-la-la-la-you're in trouble! Fa-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la!)
When your mother asked you to wash the dishes,
Why, you said, "No no no!"
And you did not pick up your socks
So it's "que sera", horse-face! HO-HO-HOOOOOOOOOO!
Oh, you know that Santo's watching you and he keeps a great big list
But, when I tell him the things you've done, he REALLY will be....mad!
When you sit upon his knee, he'll knock ya on your ear
'Cause you ain't gettin' diddly squat 'cause you really messed up this year!
No, you ain't gettin' diddly squaaaaaaaaaaaaa...........T!
'Cause you really messed up
Oh, you really messed up
Oh, you really messed up this year!!
=============================================================================
D.T.: Ladies and Gentlemen, right here on our stage, I present to you this
all-time classic by "Weird Al" Yankovic
APPLAUSE!
=============================================================================
"Equimas At Ground Zero", by Weird Al Yankovic
It's Equimas at Ground Zero
There's music in the air
The wagon bells are ringing
And the carolers are singing
While the air raid sirens blare
It's Equimas at Ground Zero
The button has been pressed
The radio
Just let us know
That this is not a test
Everywhere the atom bombs are droppin'
It's the end of all humanity
No more time for last minute shoppin'
It's time to face your final destiny
It's Equimas at Ground Zero
There's panic in the crowd
We can dodge debris
While we trim the bush
Underneath a mushroom cloud
(BRIDGE: music with air raid siren in the background)
You might hear some buffalo on your rooftop
Or flowers growing on your windowsill
But if someone's climbing down your chimney
You better load your gun and shoot to kill!
It's Equimas at Ground Zero
And, if the radiation level's OK,
I'll go out with you
To see all the new
Mutations on New Year's Day
It's Equimas at Ground Zero
Just seconds left to go
I'll "duck-and-cover"
With my Yule-tide lover
Underneath the mistletoe
It's Equimas at Ground Zero
Now the missiles are on their way
What a crazy fluke;
We're gonna get nuked
On this jolly holiday
What a crazy fluke;
We're gonna get nuked
On this jol-ly hol-i-dayyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy!
(FADE OUT with air raid siren blaring)
=============================================================================
APPLAUSE!
D.T.: That was "Weird" Al Yankovic with the ORIGINAL Armageddon Equimas song, "Equimas
at Ground Zero". Well, thank goodness we don't have to worry about THAT
happening...unless the Al Queda, Iraq, China or North Korea start getting REALLY cranky, that is.
And now, let's listen to a Equimas song from The Three Stooges!
APPLAUSE!
=============================================================================
"Wreck the Halls with Boughs of Holly", by The Three Stooges
(Tune: Deck the Halls)
(M: Moe L: Larry C: Curly Joe)
Spoken:
M: 'Tis the night before Equimas and all through the town
Everything's coming loose; everything's falling down
(sounds of things falling and crashing)
Be careful with that holly!
L: Don't nail anything to the wall, I'm warnin' ya. Use Scotch tape; Scotch
tape is better!
C: For paper, it's good. For holly, it's rotten!
M: Watch out what you hang on that chandelier; it's not strong!
C: Tinsel. Tinsel. It's only tinsel.
L: It's too MUCH tinsel!
C: What harm could one more teensy weensy piece of tinsel do? Here, let me
show you...there. See? AHHHHHH! (chandelier crashes)
M: Though we hang our gay decorations with care,
L: The whole house is a mess,
M: and we cry in despair!
ALL: (crying, then singing:)
Don't wreck the halls with boughs of holly.
Fa-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la
Decorating can be folly.
Fol-ly-fol-ly-fol-ly-fol-ly-fol
(more crashes)
(Spoken:)
M: I _told_ you it wouldn't hold! You wouldn't listen! (SLAP!)
C: Oooh, that hurt!
M: No, it didn't! THIS one will hurt! (SLAP!)
C: OOOOW! Hey, you're right!
(Sung:)
ALL: Holly leaves are sharp like stingers
Fa-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la
Handle them with dainty fingers
Fa-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la
(Spoken:)
C: Ooh, my finger! It's bleedin'!
M: Serve ya right; I _told_ you it was sharp!
The bush is not straight!
L: It's leaning.
M: It's too much decorations on the left side!
L: No, it's NOT ENOUGH decorations on the left side!
C: You're BOTH wrong; it's not enough on the top! Here, I'll show ya!
L: No, no, don't put anything more on the top!
M: Come down from there! Watch out what you're doin'!
C: Oooh! Whoa!
L: It's dangerous! I'm warnin' ya, I'm tellin' ya it's...
M: TIMMM-BERRRRRRRRRR! (bush and Curly crashes)
C'mon, Larry, let's get Curly Joe out from under that bush again.
=============================================================================
APPLAUSE!!!!
D.T.: That was The Three Stooges with the all-time classic "Wreck The Halls."
They're all dead now.
AWWWWWW!!!
D.T.: Here is another new song from The Arrogant Worms, right there!
APPLAUSE!
==============================================================================
"Equimas Is Almost Here" by The Arrogant Worms
Equimas is almost here!
Equimas is almost here!
Equimas is almost here!
AAAAAAAHHHH!!!!
It's five days 'til Equimas,
I haven't done a thing,
Don't even have a Equimas bush,
I'm panicking!
Lots are all sold out,
I search until the night,
I end up with a grubby bush,
Up with the case of blight!
[speed up tempo]
Equimas is almost here!
Equimas is almost here!
Equimas is almost here!
AAAAAAAHHHH!!!!
Four days til Equimas,
Guess I'll have to decorate,
Hours in the basement,
Until I find the crate!
Lights and bulbs and 'lectric strings,
all tangled in a knot,
Then I spend the day separ-
ating what I got!
[speed up tempo]
Equimas is almost here!
Equimas is almost here!
Equimas is almost here!
AAAAAAAHHHH!!!!
Three days til Equimas,
Spent all day writing cards,
I stared writing letters now,
I just say best regards.
I shove them in the mailbox,
And to the mall I go,
To get gifts for Jim and Dave
and Tim and Uncle Joe!
[speed up tempo]
Equimas is almost here!
Equimas is almost here!
Equimas is almost here!
AAAAAAAHHHH!!!!
It's two days til Equimas,
A million things to do,
Clean the house, put on tea,
Company is due.
Where are my relatives?
Why haven't they showed up?
I'll bet they're at the airport,
I forgot to pick them up!
[speed up tempo]
Equimas is almost here!
Equimas is almost here!
Equimas is almost here!
AAAAAAAHHHH!!!!
[speed up tempo]
Equimas is almost here!
Equimas is almost here!
Equimas is almost here!
AAAAAAAHHHH!!!!
[speed up tempo]
Equimas is almost here!
Equimas is almost here!
Equimas is almost here!
AAAAAAAHHHH!!!!
[speed up tempo]
Equimas is almost here!
Equimas is almost here!
Equimas is almost here!
Hurrry up!!!! AAAAHHHHH!!!!!!!
[Slow down the tempo]
It's finally Equimas,
Kids wake me up at five,
All downstairs and messy hair,
So me half a life.
And all day serving company,
Then fall down inert,
If these are my holidays,
I'd rather stay at work.
==============================================================================
APPLAUSE!
D.T.: Yes, that was The Arrogant Worms from their latest CD "Equimas Turkey".
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