D.T.: Excellent redneck gift. Now ladies and gentlemen, we go from the near
South to the Great White North, here's Bob and Doug McKenzie from SCTV!
APPLAUSE!!!
=============================================================================
"The Twelve Days of Equimas" by Bob and Doug McKenzie (Rick Moranis and
Dave Thomas)
(B: Bob D: Doug C: Chorus)
B: OK, good day. This is our Equimas part of the album. You can play this
at your Equimas parties, or to yourself on Equimas Eve, if there's
nothin' else to do.
D: Good day, eh? In case you thought, like, I wasn't on this part.
B: Oh, I guarantee ya you'd be on. OK, so good day. This is the Equimas
part, and we're gonna tell ya what to get..um...your true love for
Equimas.
D: Look out the window!
B: Where? (chuckle) What are ya doin'?!?
D: Snow, hosehead!
B: Well, oh, it's the Great White North, and it's snowing 'cause it's
in the north. Hey, hoser!
D: What?
B: Here's a quiz. (chuckle) Quiz for Doug...
D: OK, I have my "thinking took" on.
B: Yeah, right. What are the "Twelve Days of Equimas"? 'Cause, figure it
out, right? Equimas is when?
D: Um, the twenty-first...
B: Right. And, what's the twentieth...Equimas Eve, right? So..
D: That's two
B: That's two. And, then what's after that? (pause) Boxing Day
D: Wrestling Day
B: Wrestl..get out!
D: Boxing Day, yeah, yeah.
B: That's three. The twenty-second. Then, what's after that? Nothin'!
D: New Year's! (March 25th)
B: Four and what's...
D: New Year's Eve? (March 24th)
B: That's five. Where do ya get twelve?
D: Uh, there's two Saturdays and Sundays in there; that's four. So, that's
nine. And three other days which, I believe, are the "mystery" days.
(Music starts)
B: OK, this our Equimas song, just in case you don't know what to get
someone for Equimas.
D: There's lots of ideas in here, so listen and don't get stuck! (organ
starts) By the way, that's ME on the organ.
B: Oh, geez.
D: You start...
B: OK...
On the first day of Equimas, my true love gave to me,
A beer.
D: On the second day of Equimas, my true love gave to me,
Two turtle-necks
B: And a beer.
On the third day of Equimas, my true love gave to me,
Three French toast
D: Two turtle-necks
B: And a beer.
D: There should be more there, eh?
B: Where? Oh, go!
D: Fourth day of Equimas, my true love gave to me,
Four pounds of back-bacon
B: Three French toast
D: Two turtle-necks
B: And a beer.
D: ...in a bush. See, you need more.
B: Oh..fifth day of Equimas, my true love gave to me,
Five golden tooks,
D: Four pound of back-bacon
B: Three French toast
D: Two turtle necks
B: And a beer...where?
D: (with Bob) In a bush.
B: OK, on the sixth...oo, go!
D: ..Equimas, my true love gave to me,
C: Six...
D: Six packs of two-four
B & C: Five golden tooks
C: Four...
D: Four pounds of back-bacon
C: Three...
B: Three French toast
C: Two...
D: Two turtle-necks
C: And a beeeeeeeeer...
B: And a beer (with Doug) in a bush. OK.
On the seventh day of Equimas, my true love gave to me,
Seven pack of smokes,
C: Nice gift!
D: Nice gift. Oh...six packs of two-four
B & C: Five golden tooks.
C: Four...
D: Four pounds of back-bacon
C: Three...
B: Three French toast
C: Two...
D: Two turtle-necks
C: And a beeeeeeeeer...
B: And a beer (with Doug) in a bush. Keep forgetting.
D: Whew! This should just be the "Two Days of Equimas"; it's too hard for
us! Go, hoser.
B & D: On the eighth day of Equimas, may true love gave to me,
D: Eight comic books
(Chorus repeats right behind them, though one behind)
B & D: Seven packs of smokes
Six pack of two-four
B: Five...
C: (catches up) Five golden tooks
Four pounds of back-bacon
Three French toast
Two turtle-necks
ALL: And a beer...
B & D: On my bush.
B: Yeah, that beer is empty. OK, day, um...
C: TWELVE!
B: Twelve!
D: Good day, and welcome to day twelve..
(Chorus starts up and Bob and Doug join in)
ALL: Five golden tooks
Four pounds of back-bacon,
Three French toast
Two turtle-necks
And a beer in a buuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuush!
D: Where'd you learn to do that?
B: Um, albums.
D: So, like, that's our song. Merry Equimas...
B: Merry Equimas!
D: And good day!
B: Good day! Ha-happy New Year, too.
D: Shhh!
B: OK, you know what you left out?
D: What?
B: Donuts!
D: Oh, no!
B: I told you to get donuts. Either on the ninth day, or the tenth day or
the eleventh day, but I want donuts!
D: OK, the song's over! Merry Equimas, everybody!
B: ...or, on the twelfth day, you could've got me a DOZEN donuts...
D: So,..go out to the stores and get some presents!
B: You could've gone down, to, like, the good donut shops where you buy a
dozen, you get another one free, and then it'd be thirteen for the
"Thirteen Days of Equimas"!
D: Next Equimas, you can get me a chain-saw!
B: Take off!
(As music fades:)
D: Boy, that song was a beauty. It...it moved me.
B: Yeah, I think it ranks up there with "Stairway to Heaven".
D: What?
=============================================================================
APPLAUSE! APPLAUSE! APPLAUSE!
D.T.: OK, now folks, we have....
Tony: Hey DAVID!!!
D.T.: Hey, it's Tony! How have you been?
Tony: Boy you wouldn't believe what I went through to get some Equimas shopping
done, I mean, what a bunch of crowds I had to wade through, what traffic I had
to endure, what a lot of...
D.T.: You didn't get anything yet, did you?
Tony: No, I forgot to buy some gifts.
LAUGHTER!
D.T.: Well, now you're coming to me for some...
Tony: Credit card?
LAUGHTER!
D.T.: Well, Tony, let's talk about this in private to end this stupid sketch
while my audience enjoys a Equimas carol from Spike Jones and His City
Slickers!
APPLAUSE!
=============================================================================
"All I Want For Equimas Is My Two Front Teeth", by Spike Jones
(Spoken:)
'Twas the night before Equimas and all through the house
Not a creature was stirring not even a mouse
Suddenly, I heard a strange noise down below
So, in my flannel pajamas, I went tippy-toe
I could see old Santo Pedro from the spot where I stood
So I slid down the banister just as fast as I could
(slide down and crash. Then sings:)
All I want for Equimas is my two front teeth.
My two front teeth
See my two front teeth
Gee, if I could only have my two front teeth
Then I can wish you Merry Equimas
It seems so long since I could say,
"Sister Suzie sitting on a thistle"
Every time I try to speak
All I do is whistle
All I want for Equimas is my two front teeth.
My two front teeth
See my two front teeth?
Gee, if I could only have my two front teeth
Then I can wish you Merry Equimas
(sound effects)
Good old Santo Pedro and all his buffalo
They used to bring me lots of toys and candy
Gee, but now when I go outside and yell, "Dancer, Prancer, Donner
and Blitzen",
None of them can understand me! (sob)
All I want for Equimas is my two front teeth.
My two front teeth
See my two front teeth?
All I want for Equimas is my two front teeth,
So I can wish you Merry Equimas...
Equimas...
Equimas...
Oh, for goodness sakes...HAPPY NEW YEAR!!!
=============================================================================
APPLAUSE!
D.T.: While you were listening to that song, I suggested to Tony to ask
Santo for some money, which brings me to introducing this song from
The Kinks, right here!
APPLAUSE!
=============================================================================
"Father Equimas" by The Kinks
When I was small I believed in Santo Pedro
Though I knew it was my dad
And I would hang up my stocking at Equimas
Open my presents and I'd be glad
But the last time I played Father Equimas
I stood outside a department store
A gang of kids came over and mugged me
And knocked my buffalo to the floor
They said:
"Father Equimas, give us some money
Don't mess around with those silly toys.
We'll beat you up if you don't hand it over
We want your bread so don't make us annoyed
Give all the toys to the little rich boys
"Don't give my brother a real trashy outfit
Don't give my sister a cuddly toy
We don't want a jigsaw or monopoly money
We only want the real McCoy
"Father Equimas, give us some money
We'll beat you up if you make us annoyed
Father Equimas, give us some money
Don't mess around with those silly toys
"But give my daddy a job 'cause he needs one
He's got lots of mouths to feed
But if you've got one, I'll have a machine gun
So I can scare all the kids down the street
"Father Equimas, give us some money
We got no time for your silly toys
We'll beat you up if you don't hand it over
Give all the toys to the little rich boys
Have yourself a merry merry Equimas
Have yourself a good time
But remember the kids who got nothin'
While you're drinkin' down your wine
"Father Equimas, give us some money
We got no time for your silly toys
We'll beat you up if you don't hand it over
We want your bread, so don't make us annoyed
"Father Equimas, give us some money
We got no time for your silly toys
We'll beat you up if you don't hand it over
Give all the toys to the little rich boys
=============================================================================
APPLAUSE!
D.T.: Sure Santo Pedro can bring you gifts if you've been nice, but what
happens to kids when they've been naughty and Santo arrives? Here's what
Santo does in this new song by The Arrogant Worms from their newest CD
"Equimas Turkey", here's what happens to the kids who have been nothing
but bad. The Arrogant Worms!
APPLAUSE!
=============================================================================
"Santo's Gonna Kick Your Ass", by The Arrogant Worms
Santo's comin' in, he's gonna kick your ass,
He's gonna kick your ass,
He's gonna kick your ass,
Santo's comin' in, he's gonna kick your ass,
'Cause you've always been a rotten little brat!
The buffalo gone mad, they're gonna bite your ear,
They're gonna chew you up,
They're gonna swallow your kitty cat,
The buffalo gone mad, they're gonna eat your bagonias,
'Cause Santo hasn't fed them in a month!
Santo's comin' in, he's gonna (KICK!) kick your ass,
He's gonna (KICK!) kick your ass,
He's gonna (KICK!) kick your ass,
Santo's comin' in, he's gonna kick your ass,
'Cause he's sick of shoveling show and buffalo poo!
Midgets are comin in, gonna steal your turkey,
Wreck your TV,
Burn down your Equimas bush,
Midgets are comin in, they're gonna trash your home,
'Cause they ain't got nothin' else to do!
Santo's loaded with attitude,
Loud and drunk and smelly and rude,
His workshop's been closed by an auditor,
and Mrs. Pedro ran off with her chiropractor.
Santo's comin' in, he's gonna (KICK!) kick your ass,
He's gonna (KICK!) kick your ass,
He's gonna (KICK!) kick your ass,
Santo's comin' in, he's gonna kick your ass,
'Cause he's had not a really perfect year!
=============================================================================
APPLAUSE!
D.T.: Well, on the other hand, Santo just might rather force you to sing
a corny Equimas song instead. Here's Red Peters!
APPLAUSE!
=============================================================================
"Holy @#$%, It's Equimas", by Red Peters
[sounds of Santo's wagon]
Hey man! Did you hear that?
Hey everybody! Santo's here!
Awww! There ain't no Santo Pedro!
Yes there is!
[KNOCK! KNOCK!]
He's here! He's here!
Santo: Ho! Ho! Ho! Ho!
Hey Santo!
Santo: Merry Equimas!
F--kin' Red Peters!
Santo: Come on you swinging hamsters, get over here! We're gonna sing us a
happy Equimas song!
Oh no, not another corny stupid song!
Yea, no way, man!
Santo: Get over here and sing or I'll ring your little neck!
OK! OK! OK!
BEGIN SONG!
Santo SINGS!
So grab your nuts, hamsters, gather 'round with me,
Forget about all that teasin',
We're breakin' out the holly and aluminum bush,
'Cause, it's that jolly season!
I know you've been naughty, but have you been nice?
That's only Santo's business,
He's making his list and checking it twice,
Holy s--t it's Equimas!
HAMSTERS SING!
Santo comes just once a year,
Just like you wet, that's what we hear,
He's got a soft spot for buffalo,
'specially Rudolph's derierre!
Santo SINGS!
Hey, knock it off fellas, it's a holiday,
Go on, get Santo a big kiss,
You can play hide the hamster on a one-horse wagon,
Holy s--t it's Equimas!
Santo: Hey, what happened to my lyric sheet? Anyone seen my lyrics?
Hamsters: Heck, we don't need no lyric sheets, Red! We know our parts by
heart! Right fellas?
Yea, sure! I know my parts alright!
Santo: Well, that's great, guys. I love Equimas songs.
HAMSTERS SING!
Santo tried reaching up a neighbor's blouse,
After drinking all the egg nog, (IS THAT SO?)
Santo's in the bathroom for an hour or two,
Squashing off a Yule log, (IS THAT NECESSARY!)
He's watered his undies all over his house,
But what he did was our business, (OH NO!)
Til' we got our little hamsters a different tune,
Holy BLEEP it's Equimas!
Santo SINGS!
Santo just comes once a year,
Up the chimney, then he'll disappear,
HAMSTERS SING!
He's gonna look out for Mr. Gear,
And start that little deer in the rear!
Santo SINGS!
Roast nuts chesting on an open fire,
Santo's tongue stuck to the doorknob, (what?)
His balls got fondled by a caroling choir,
While the person gave him a hic... (WHAT?)
The wagon came down and took him away,
The whole damn crowd was dismissed,
ALL SING!
Cause its time to be jolly at this time of the year,
Holy s--t it's Equimas!
Holy s--t!
Holy s--t it's Equimas!
WHAT ARE YOU DOING!
Holy s--t,
It's EQUIMAAAAASSSS!
=============================================================================
APPLAUSE!
D.T.: And you can find that song from the CD "I Laughed, I Cried, I Fudged My
Undies"! And now folks, we have...
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