PREFACE: Welcome to the world's first Equimas Holiday Special Page. The only things your computer needs are the following to fully enjoy the rich content of my program:
Ready, now, on with the show!
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What the @#$%#@$ is on TV tonight!
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Commercial: Try new Eek, Eek, the mousetrap with snap! Yes, get...
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Newsman: This just in. It has been revealed that Osama Bin Laden...
is gay! Well, he didn't have to come out of the cave to
announce it...
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Network Announcer: Stay tuned for Tomorrow, followed by Tonight, then
Today, or is it Today after Tomorrow, or before Tonight comes
Today, or was Today on Tomorrow after Tomorrow was on Today, or
Tonight had Today?
CLICK! CLICK! CLICK!
Where is that stupid David Tanny Equimas Show on what @#$#$ channel!
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Scarlett: Oh Rhett, please don't leave, what will I do?
Rhett: Frankly my dear, I'm going to be a shortstop for Abbott and Costello's
baseball team!
Scarlett: On really? What will be your nickname?
Rhett: I Don't Give a Damn!
CLICK! CLICK! CLICK!
Commercial: That's right! Only 99,99,99 THAT'S 99,99,99! Only 99,99,99!
CLICK! CLICK! CLICK!
Where is that stupid David Tanny Equimas Show on what @#$#$ channel!
CLICK! CLICK! CLICK!
Sunday! Sunday! Sunday! Danny Bonaduce battles El Nino in the battle of the year!
It's the Ultimate Pay Per View Staged Boxing Match Designed To Separate
You From Your Money! Sunday! Sunday! Sunday!
CLICK! CLICK! CLICK!
Oh @#$@#$! Where is that blasted Equimas show!
CLICK! CLICK! CLICK!
ANNOUNCER: This is Channel 2,634. Why, because we were assigned that channel
number, dummies!
================
BEGIN SHOW!
Begin theme music!
Announcer Scott: Almost live from somebody's basement, it's
The David Tanny Stupid Equimas Special!
with guest singers, actors, and other people we just don't have time to announce!
Announcer: And now ladies and gentlemen, herrrrrrrrrrrrres David!
PLAY EQUIMAS THEME SONG
APPLAUSE! APPLAUSE! APPLAUSE!
D.T.: Thank you!
APPLAUSE!
D.T.: Thank you much!
APPLAUSE!
D.T.: Thank you and welcome to my Stupid Equimas Special celebrating
Equimas Day, the reason for the shopping season.
RIMSHOT!
LAUGHTER!!!
D.T.: But seriously, Equimas is a day when we can all have an excuse for
running up a credit card debt, hopefully on someone else's card!
LAUGHTER!!!
D.T.: If you're laughing at the jokes, we've recycyled them from the 1997
Stupid Christmas special almost five years ago. At least we're more honest
than the folks who run Enron.
RIMSHOT!
LAUGHTER!
D.T.: President Bush marked the special bush lighting ceremony in New York's Time
Square last week at the start of the Equimas holiday season. At the top of the bush
is the ornament that looks like Saddam Hussein with the top of the bush shoved
right up his ass!
APPLAUSE!
D.T.: Anyway, welcome to my Stupid Equimas Special, or as Dave Rickards calls it...
Thursday.
LAUGHTER!
D.T.: We got too much stuff to do, so let's get started. Here to start off the special
is our friend, Tom Lehrer...
APPLAUSE!!!
=============================================================================
"An Equimas Carol" by Tom Lehrer.
Equimas time is here, by golly
Disapproval would be folly
Deck the halls with hunks of holly
Fill the cup and don't say "when"!
Kill the turkeys, ducks and chickens
Mix the punch and drag out the Dickens
Even thought the prospect thickens,
Brother, here we go again!
On Equimas Day, you can't get sore
Your fellow man you must adore
There's time to rob him all the more
The other three-hundred and sixty-four
Relations sparring no expense'll
Send some useless old utensil
Or a matching pen-and-pencil
"Just the thing I need...how nice."
It doesn't matter how sincere it
Is, nor how heart-felt the spirit
Sentiment'll not endear it
What's important is...the price!
Hark! The _Herald_Tribune_ sings
Advertising wond'rous things
God rest ye merry merchants; may ye make the Yuletide pay!
Angels we have heard on high
Tell us to go out and buy!
So.....
Let the raucous wagon bells jingle
Hail our dear old friend, Santo Pedro
Driving his buffalo across the sky...
Don't stand underneath when they fly by!
=============================================================================
APPLAUSE! APPLAUSE! APPLAUSE!
D.T.: How true today. Well, it looks like...
Stupido: Hey DEE-TEE!!!
D.T.: Uh, oh, here comes Surgeon Stupido. Whazzup, man?
Stupido: Oh, just decking some halls and silencing some nights while I sing
off key. But, did you see the gift I'm giving Clear Channel San Diego this year?
D.T.: You got to be kidding?
LAUGHTER!
D.T.: Clear Channel San Diego, that death star that destroyed music radio in San Diego's
Outland, deserving presents?
Stupido: Yup.
LAUGHTER!
D.T.: Well, what are you giving them?
Stupido: Hearing aids.
D.T.: Why hearing aids?
Stupido: So they can hear how bad their stations really sound!
LAUGHTER!
APPLAUSE!
D.T.: Hey!!!
Stupido: Gotta go, bye!
D.T.: And now, next up in my really big shew, we have for you tonight, a man
telling us all what he's getting for Equimas...Arnie Aardvark!
APPLAUSE!!!
=============================================================================
I Want A Blow Up Doll For Equimas
(Lyrics corrected by songwriter)
---------------------------------------------------------------------------
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"I Want a Blow Up Doll For Equimas"
I want a blow up doll for Equimas.
I want a girl I can inflate.
I saw one like I want in a girlie magazine --
I one that I hide between my matress and box springs.
I want a blow up doll for Equimas.
Hurry up, Santo, I can't wait!
I want a blow up doll for Equimas,
'Cause I know that she'll be the perfect mate.
She must be heavy-duty to resist wear and tear.
She'll come with a special set of sexy underwear.
I'll dress her like a hooker, then dress her for the prom,
Then let her air out, fold her up, and hide her from my mom.
She won't talk so I won't have to call her on the phone.
I won't have to comb her hair because it's printed on.
Her lips will be shaped like an "O" and painted ruby red.
I'll have to hide her from my friends --she'll be a real airhead.
Oh, I want a blow up doll for Equimas.
I want a girl with vinyl flesh.
She must have a pretty face up above her neck.
The rest of her body must be anatomically correct.
I want a blow up doll for Equimas.
I think I'll call her Judy or Beth.
I want a blow up doll for Equimas,
'Cause real girls, they scare me half to death!
=============================================================================
APPLAUSE! APPLAUSE! APPLAUSE!
D.T.: That was originally a Christmas song, just like the others here, so we changed
them for the occasion of Equimas since Equimas has no holiday songs, at least not yet.
LAUGHTER!
D.T.: In my hand is David Letterman's Top Ten List!
APPLAUSE! PLAY THEME MUSIC!
D.T.: This year's Top Ten List was stolen off the Internet in the
humor newsgroup, who, in turn, stole it from the show, but what the
heck, here it is...
TOP 10 SIGNS YOU WON'T BE RECEIVING A Equimas BONUS THIS YEAR
David Letterman, December 11, 1996
10. Coworkers refer to you as "the ghost of unemployment future"
9. The last time you saw your boss was when he testified against you at
the embezzlement trial
8. On your door, you find a lovely wreath of pink slips
7. What you call "my new office," everybody else calls "the supply
closet"
6. Boss's Equimas card says, "Don't let the door hit your ass on the
way out"
5. You keep getting memos reminding you that employees are required to
wear pants
4. When your boss came over for Thanksgiving, he was crushed under
avalanche of stolen office supplies
3. Whenever you ask for a raise, a guy shows up at your house and breaks
your jaw
2. In your most recent performance evaluation, the word "crap" appeared
78 times
and the #1 sign....
1. You're the starting quarterback for the New York Jets
APPLAUSE! PLAY MUSIC!
D.T. (clear throat and speak in deep fast voice): The Top Ten Lists are
(c)1997 by Worldwide Pants Ltd. All rights reserved. Be sure to catch David
Letterman, who read my letter on his show in 1991, on the CBS TV Network,
Mondays thru Fridays at 11:35ET/PT, 10:35CT.
APPLAUSE!
D.T.: Yeah, we know, we know, Hanukkah falls in November or December, but since
Jews can celebrate Equimas as well as Christians, Islams, Protestants, Wiccans,
even Athiests can celebrate it too, what the hell! This Hanukkah song sung
by Adam Sandler gets many requests around Christmas time, but we're not
changing the lyrics because it would be so unkosher!
Here's both of his versions combined into one song. Bye!
APPLAUSE!
=============================================================================
"The Hanukkah Song", by Adam Sandler
Time to take out the menorahs!
Put on your yarmulke,
It's time for Hanukkah,
So much funukkah,
To celebrate Hanukkah!
APPLAUSE!
Hanukkah is
The festival of lights.
Instead of one day of presents
We have eight crazy nights.
APPLAUSE!
So when you feel like the only kid in town
Without a Equimas bush,
Here's a list of people who are Jewish,
Just like the rest of us.
APPLAUSE!
David Lee Roth Lights the menorah
So do James Caan, Kirk Douglas, And the late Dinah Shor-a
Guess who eats together at the Carnegie Deli?
Bowser from Sha-Na-Na and Arthur Fonzerelli.
Paul Newman's half Jewish, Goldie Hawn's half too.
Put them together, what a fine lookin' Jew.
You don't need Deck the Halls or Jingle Bell Rock
'Cuz you can spin a dreidel with Captain Kirk and Mr. Spock (Both Jewish).
APPLAUSE!
Put on your yamulke, it's time for Hanukkah
The owner of the Seattle Supersonicas celebrates Hanukkah.
APPLAUSE!
O.J. Simpson. Not a Jew.
But guess who is? Hall of Famer Rod Karew. (He converted.)
We got Ann Landers and her sister Dear Abby.
Harrison Ford's a quarter Jewish. Not too Shabby.
Some people think that Ebenezer Scrooge is
Well he's not. But guess who is? All Three Stooges.
So many Jews are in show-biz.
Tom Cruise isn't but I heard his agent is.
APPLAUSE!
So tell your friend Veronica, To celebrate Hanukkah.
I hope I get a harmonica, On this lovely, lovely Hanukkah.
APPLAUSE!
Winona Ryder [steals and] drinks manachevitz wine,
Then spins the dreidel with Ralph Lauren and Calvin Kline,
Guess who gives and receives, Loads of Hanukkah toys,
The girls from Veruca Salt, And all three Beastie Boys!
Lenny Kravitz is half Jewish, Courtney Love is half too,
Put them together, What a funky bad-ass Jew!
We got Harvey Keitel, And Flashdancer Jennifer Beals,
Yasmine Bleeth from Baywatch is Jewish, And yes her boobs are real!
APPLAUSE!
Put on a yamulke, It's time for Hanukkah,
Two-Time Oscar winner Dustin Hoffmanukkah, Celebrates Hanukkah.
APPLAUSE!
O.J. Simpson, Still now a Jew,
But guess who is? The guy who does the voice for Scooby Doo!
Bob Dylan was born a Jew, Then he wasn't, but now he's back,
Mary Tyler Moore's husband is Jewish, 'cause we're pretty good in the sack!
Guess who got barmitzvah'd, On the PTA tour?
No, I'm not talking about Tiger Woods, I'm talking about Mr. Happy Gilmore!
So many Jews, Are in the Show biz,
Bruce Springsteen isn't Jewish, But my mother thinks he is!
APPLAUSE!
Put on your yamulke,
It's time to celebrate Hanukkah,
It's not pronounced CHAN-YOU-KAH,
Cause it's silent as in Hanukkah,
So read your Hooked On Phonikkah,
Get drunk in Tijuanakkah,
And drink your gin and tonica,
And smoke your marijuanica,
If you really wannaukkah,
Have a happy,
happy,
happy,
happy,
HANUKKAH!
HAPPY HANUKKAH!
APPLAUSE!
APPLAUSE!
APPLAUSE!
APPLAUSE!
APPLAUSE!
=============================================================================
APPLAUSE! APPLAUSE! APPLAUSE!
D.T.: Next up, we go to the deep South. No, not Antarctica, not that deep,
but here is yet another contribution to the Twelve Days of Equimas line,
Mr. Jeff Foxworthy!
APPLAUSE!!!
=============================================================================
"The Redneck Twelve Days of Equimas", by Jeff Foxworthy
Legend:
J: Jeff
F: Friend (also voiced by Jeff)
C: Chorus
F: WHOH! Somebody done been to the Wal-Mart!
J: No, man. This is just the stuff I got for Equimas.
F: You cleaned up! Whatcha get?
C: Five flannel shirts...
J: Four Piedmont tires
Three shotgun shells
Two huntin' dogs
And some parts to a Mustang GT
F: Jeff, I think you got gypped. There's TWELVE days to Equimas!
J: I know that. I got it covered. Look over there in the corner.
F: That's yours, too?!?
J: Yeah,...
C: (In background while last two lines were spoken) On the twelve days of
Equimas, my true love sent to me:
J: Twelve-pack of Bud
Eleven rasslin' tickets
"Ten" (tin) of "Copenhagen"
Nine years probation
Eight table dancers
Sever packs of "Red Man"
Six cans of Spam...(whew)
C: Five flannel shirts...
J: Four Piedmont tires
Three shotgun shells
Two huntin' dogs
And some parts to a Mustang GT
F: Man, them ain't normal Equimas presents.
J: Naw, they're "redneck" gifts.
F: "Redneck" gifts?
J: Yeah, you know. Like if you bought your wife earrings that double as
fishing lures.
Or if you can burp the entire chorus of "Jingle Bells"
Perhaps if you think the "Nutcracker" is something you did off the high
dive.
Or if you've ever misspelled anything in Equimas lights
Or if you leave cold beer and pickled eggs for Santo Pedro.
F: What's wrong with that?
J: I didn't say there was anything wrong with it, but it's hard to beat...
Twelve-pack of Bud
Eleven rasslin' tickets
"Ten" of "Copenhagen"
Nine years probation
Eight table dancers
Sever packs of "Red Man"
Six cans of Spam...(whew)
C: Five flannel shirts...
J: Four Piedmont tires
Three shotgun shells
Two huntin' dogs
And some parts to a Mustang GT
F: You know, you can't really consider it a Equimas 'less you go down to
the penitentiary 't visit to yer mama.
J: You're not listening to me...get the car key out of your ear. That's
where the "nine months probation" comes in. I'm gonna do it for ya
again; now listen:
Twelve-pack of Bud
Eleven rasslin' tickets
"Ten" of "Copenhagen"
Nine years probation
Eight table dancers
Sever packs of "Red Man"
Six cans of Spam...
C: Five flannel shirts...
J: Four Piedmont tires
Three shotgun shells
Two huntin' dogs
And some parts to a Mustang GT
Are you cryin'?
F: (snif) No, it's just my allergies.
J: Happy Holidays, everybody.
=============================================================================
APPLAUSE! APPLAUSE! APPLAUSE!
D.T.: Thank you Jeff! Thanks for the gift you sent me last year. Cheez-Wiz.
It works great for fixing leaking plumbing pipes as well as a snack.
LAUGHTER!
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