The San Diego County Fair: You Don't Need To Go There (For 2009)

So in response, as we've been doing since 2007, we present to you a backhanded approach in promoting the San Diego County Fair.

We ask you this question in this day and age of the high cost of living in San Diego, rampant unemployment, and out of control spending by the Obama administration for bailouts: is this trip to the Fair necessary?

Welcome to Tanny 101, a free course designed to help keep other companies from separating as much money as possible from you. I am your instructor David Tanny. Class is now in session.

Here are some valuable tips for you to get the most bang for your buck when you visit the dreadfully unseasonal San Diego County Fair (I prefer to go during December).

From Tanny 101:

1. Carry as much water as possible. A 20 ounce bottle may sell as much as three freakin' bucks apiece! Do not buy any drinks there if you can. Sneak some into the fairgrounds in a bag or purse.

2. Car pool as much as possible. Parking fees are expensive! Split the costs amongst yourselves.

3. Do not ride on the rides until after 6pm. The sun wreaks havoc on your skin anyway. At this time of the year, the noontime sun is as high as 81 degrees from the southern horizon, more than enough to cause skin damage when exposed to sensitive skin for over ten minutes. Pouring tons of sunscreen on your skin is basically a waste of money. Why bother doing things in the sun. You're better off watching TV indoors or hanging out in Fry's at noon instead.

4. Better yet, do not arrive at the Fair until after 5pm. By that time, the threat of a sunburn and skin damage is minimized, and the Fair's earning potential is minimized. Also, the risk of dehydration is much greater when you arrive at 10am and you would need at least 60 ounces of water by 5pm, wasting away $12 of your hard-earned money during the course of the day.

5. Buy nothing from the concession stands if all possible. Food is probably full of transfats, saturated fats, cholesterol, high amounts of sodium, and sugar. Stay away from the soft drinks because they're bad for you with all the high fructose corn syrup in it anyway.

6. Buy no merchandise from the Fair. It's overpriced and the vendors just don't deserve your hard-earned money. The same items that are found at the fair can be found for less elsewhere.

7. Play the games at the Fair responsibly. Spend no more than $10 if you must play games. If you spend $10 and win nothing, just accept yourself as a loser and stop the hemmorage of your hard earned funds. Don't screw yourself.

8. Go to the Fair every other year, or only when somebody at the Grandstand is of interest of you to see at night, or just go only for the Grandstand performance when you go after 5pm.

9. If you don't live on a direct trolley or bus route to the San Diego fair, and you don't have a ride, simply don't go to the fair. If it takes more than 15 minutes to arrive at a bus or trolley stop that will lead you to the fair, just don't go.

10. If it costs you more than $5 in gasoline to drive to the fair one way, and you don't have anybody else to ride with to help you with the cost of using your gasoline, don't go. With the cost of gasoline way out of control, you don't want to live in Temecula or Pine Valley and waste away some $20 in gasoline one way just to drive to the fair. It's just too much money to drive around the freeways anymore.

11. And finally...ask yourself if going to the fair is really necessary for your well being. Chances are, it's designed to separate you from your money, as the fair is basically like a stripper. You keep throwing money at it, but you're getting nothing in return for wasting your money away.

So remember that with the cost of gasoline and living so high in San Diego nowadays, the last thing we need is some commercial entity with overpriced stuff coming into town with their sole purpose of separating you from your money that could be used to fill up your tank.

Also remember that you are not the federal government, and the Fair doesn't deserve any bailout money from you.

Class is now dismissed.